What if
by The Carnivorous Muffin
Summary: A series of completely random 'what if' scenarios. OOC sometimes
1. L goes to candy mountain

**Author's Note: This is a series of… completely implausible 'What Ifs', written wholly for my own amusement, that of my beta, and… you people. Enjoy.**

**A thanks to my beta, Skoteinos Metamfiezomai.**

What If…

L saw the Charlie the Unicorn video:

It happened to be a typical day in the Kira investigation headquarters. Misa was reading teen magazines and being entirely irrelevant to the investigation, Raito was trying desperately to prove he was not Kira without much success, (let's face it- if L says you have a cheeseburger, even if you don't have a cheeseburger, then **you have** a cheeseburger), and L was trying desperately to prove Raito was Kira (once again, without much success). So all of the variables listed above ultimately lead to everyone's initial boredom.

In an attempt to cure the boredom, our favorite insomniac began looking on You-tube for evidence on Kira (yes, he was _that _bored). After surfing a bit he eventually landed on a video about a candy mountain.

Over on the couch, Raito was looking at a pile of research. "Hey, Ryuzaki, I think I found something important. Come over here and take a look at it." Raito beamed with the thought of new information that would finally prove that he was not Kira, but perfectly capable of being a great detective. So, he eagerly awaited his clap on the back or some form of praise.

Nothing happened.

'_What's his problem?' _Raito grumbled internally.

"No! I must find out the exact location of the mountain of edible sweets containing high amounts of glucose." L was very intent on ignoring Raito and seeing where the unicorns would take Charlie…. Was Candy Mountain real, or did the other unicorns have some ulterior motive?

"I'm sorry, Ryuzaki… maybe I misheard you, but did you say a '_mountain of edible sweets'?_" Raito was hoping he had misheard him, because if this was an example of the thoughts that went on in L's head, he had _no hope_ of clearing his name.

"Yes, Raito-kun heard me correctly." L was nearing the end of the video—the letter "Y" was singing a song about candy.

"What?! Ryuzaki, how can you claim to be working on the Kira case when you're wasting your time watching _You-tube_ videos?" In his moral outrage Raito had thrashed his hands wildly about, which, expectedly, pulled L out of his chair and onto the floor.

"This is not a waste of time, Raito-kun. This video could lead to a breakthrough in the case. I don't see Raito-kun coming up with any sufficient leads or suspects," L drawled, placing his thumb to his lip.

'_Bored has reached an all new high with Ryuzaki…. What's next? __**UFC**__?'_

"As it seems that I have found a lead, and once again proven myself the better detective, I believe we should search for this 'Candy Mountain' and trap Kira inside. Then we can take his kidneys." Returning his gaze to the computer screen, he searched for related links that might say more about the mountain.

"How does this prove you're the best?! I could have watched a video and said the same thing!"

"You could have, but you didn't."

"That is _not_ the point!"

"Oh, then what _is_ the point?" questioned L as he attempted to stare down a red-faced Raito.

"The _point_ is that a candy mountain has absolutely _nothing_ to do with Kira! Going there would not only waste time, but lives!" Raito would have elaborated on the numerous moral flaws that L had, but he was cut off by the detective.

"But if the trip to candy mountain is a success, then we will be able to take Kira's kidneys and justice shall finally prevail."

"What do kidneys have to do with Kira?" muttered Raito, rubbing his temples in agitation.

"Without his kidneys Kira will be unable to use his god-like powers."

"Ryuzaki, when did you deduce that Kira uses his kidneys to kill?"

"The video explained it."

"Right. Well, let's go to Candy Mountain. If anything it means I don't have to go on any more dates with Misa." _'…He isn't off his rocker… He's __**cracked**__ his rocker __**open**__ and spilled all his marbles.'_

"I rather enjoy Raito-kun's dates with Misa."

"Yes, I know. That's what scares me." _'Voyeur…'_

(In a very expensive forest some time later)

"Ryuzaki, have you noticed that we passed that rock about five minutes ago?" Raito kicked a nearby rock.

"No, Raito-kun. That's a different rock." L didn't even look at the rock, because he was that confident that it was indeed a different rock.

"Not that I doubt your knowledge of rocks, but I'm sure that we already passed that rock." Raito bent down to observe the rock more closely.

"No, Raito-kun. That rock looks darker." Sighing, Raito stood up and gave Ryuzaki the 'I-know-you-know-that-I-know' look.

"Right," Raito muttered. "Well, what are we looking for again?" Raito wasn't entirely sure what answer he would get, but it sure beat the hell out of dating Misa.

"A leopleridon, Raito-kun. It will show us the way."

Well maybe dating Misa wasn't as bad as Raito had thought. "Oh, _right_. The… monster thing. Tell me when you see it. I'll be over there wondering why God hates me." Raito sat down on the rock in utter exhaustion. It was going to be a long day. Raito suddenly blinked and looked up at the detective in confusion, "Hey, Ryuzaki, who did we leave in charge of the investigation?"

The detective also blinked, opened and closed his mouth, and came to the same conclusion as Raito did.

"Crap!"

(In the Kira investigation headquarters)

"So whoever gets the shortest straw is the temporary L, understand?" Soichiro briefly glanced at the others then nodded at their assent.

"Oh, can Misa draw a straw? Misa wants to feel involved!"

Soichiro and the other investigators looked at Misa, who was smiling cheerfully. _'How did she get down here?' _Oh well. It wasn't Soichiro's problem- Matsuda was the one who was supposed to keep her in her room.

"Matsuda, why did you let her down here?" muttered Aizawa, giving Matsuda an evil glare. Even Soichiro had to think that Matsuda was being more stupid than usual by letting Misa off her floor.

"I couldn't keep her there! As soon as she heard that Raito had left on an expedition with Ryuzaki, she started screaming about perverted monkeys!" Matsuda looked around for some sympathy, but only received a glare from Aizawa and slightly irritated and confused looks from all the others.

"Perverted monkeys?" Soichiro knew that Misa had a bizarre belief that Ryuzaki was a stalker, (honestly, how could anyone get that idea?) but calling him a monkey was a bit much.

"Yeah, perverted monkeys… After that she said that Raito didn't love her anymore. I'm not really the comforting type, but I did my best. I mean, she was sobbing and I thought she was going to kill herself."

"Matsuda, that is completely idiotic. Misa would never believe that Raito would not love her. We _all_ know that."

"Well… um… well, you come up with something! I couldn't just leave her there! What if, what if…?" Matsuda tried to look for words to fill in the sentence but ended up sighing at the lack of inspiration. _'My god. Is this what it was like before L and Raito were here?' _Soichiro shuddered at the thought. He was _definitely _retiring after this case was finished.

"So let's get on with the drawing of straws. Whoever pulls out the shortest straw will lead the investigation without question, since it appears none of us seem to have a will of our own."

"Misa is sorry, but she missed the entire conversation. Can it be repeated for Misa's benefit?" questioned Misa.

'_Did Misa just say a word that was longer than four syllables?' _Soichiro blinked away the thought; there was no need for her to be even mentioned.

"Misa, why don't you pull a straw with us. It will keep you entertained." Matsuda shoved the straws towards the middle.

'_You idiot, Matsuda! If she pulls the shortest straw she could kill us all!' _

And so since we all know how lucky the taskforce is, Misa drew the shortest straw and became temporary L. Matsuda became incredibly guilty, Aizawa became incredibly pissed off, and Soichiro had a heart attack. _Kira 1 Task force 0._

(Yet again in the very expensive forest)

"Ryuzaki."

"Yes, Raito-kun?"

"I have a sudden urge to spill your guts. Does that make me Kira?"

"No, you were already Kira. This just makes me more wary of your future actions."

"Ah. I see."

Raito and Ryuzaki were sitting near the rock where Ryuzaki had sworn the Leoploridon would land. Well, Ryuzaki was in more of a crouching stance, biting his thumb while Raito had a pose that would remind anyone of his time in confinement.

"So this Candy Mountain…. Were there coordinates?"

"No."

"No specific location at all?"

"I am shocked at Raito-kun's lack of faith in the existence of excessive amounts of candy piled up in a forest."

"Well, you know what they say. 'Seeing is believing'!" Raito tilted his head towards L, looking at him inquisitively.

'_How are you going to counter that logic, Ryuga?' _

"I have learned to have faith in things I have not seen. After all, I accepted Kira's killings."

"Only _after_ you had seen him in action. Let's face it, Ryuzaki. You are not a man of high faith, and we both believe that seeing is believing." _'Check-mate, Ryuga.' _

L looked around, searching for information to win his argument. Finding none, he used basic tactics of interrogation. "Raito-kun, if you do not give in I will sing the 'Girl-friend' song. Then I will burn it to a CD and install it into the investigation headquarters' elevators."

"You wouldn't _dare_. We _both_ know that it is an illegal method of torture only used by the worst criminals!"

"Then I will use the legal method and merely play 'High School Musical' songs. I am not afraid of pursuing justice."

"That's even _worse_! You call that justice?! That makes you no better than Kira! No, it makes you _worse_ than Kira, you sick…" Raito's ranting was cut off by L's hunched form standing up. _'Where does he think he's going?'_

Anyone with half a brain could tell that the heat was getting to them.

"Where are you going, Ryuzaki?" Raito moved to stand up too- there was no way that L was leaving him stranded in the middle of a forest.

"I believe I can hear the unicorns, Raito-kun. We must be close." L turned without another word and headed towards what Raito thought to be a pink glow through the trees. _'How did I miss __**that**__?' _Raito sprinted up quickly to catch up with the detective.

"I'm sorry, Ryuzaki, but I have a rather hard time believing in unicorns," said Raito, to the hunched detective. _'Shinigami, though….'_

"Just as you said, Raito-kun- 'seeing is believing'."

(At the giant pile of edible fructose)

"So there actually is a Candy Mountain." Raito looked distastefully at the mountain. _'Maybe I should have just sucked it up and gone out with Misa.' _But then Raito remembered how at the last date Misa and L had gotten into an argument (again) about Raito's personality flaws. Misa, of course had claimed he was absolutely flawless (she finally was able to understand something of importance!), but L had said that he was an arrogant, self-absorbed, manipulative amnesiac. That was the day Raito had vowed that he would never go on another date with Misa as long as he lived.

"Of course, Yagami-kun what did you expect?" L looked at him questioningly.

'_Oh don't play dumb. You're too old for that' _

"I don't see Kira. Let's go back to Investigative Headquarters." Raito made to turn his back on the mountain. _'This place looks like the inside of Misa's head, I came to get away from her!' _

"But Raito-kun! What if the candy is poisoned? Many innocent bystanders will die a horrible death. Can you sit by and allow that?"

"You dragged me here to eat the candy, didn't you? Kira was never interested in this cavity inducer was he? This was only your selfish desire to eat candy."

"Then why did Raito-kun come?"

"Honestly? I made a promise to myself to never go on another date with Misa, although I'm very tempted to break that vow." A sarcastic smirk painted Raito's face.

"But what if something happens? Could you just sit by and watch?"

"There are always 'what if' scenarios, Ryuzaki, but there is no way that any of them will happen."

"Yes… I suppose you're right, Raito-kun." L pouted slightly, then turned away from the mountain. "I will be sure to inform the investigative team of our near victory."

"Do what you want, I don't care anymore. Oh crap, this means more dating time with Misa. Hooray for relationships!" Raito's voice dripped with sarcasm that caused L to smile.

Things were going to be okay.

(Epilogue of a sort)

Well it would have been okay, but things were not great at the task headquarters. With Misa in charge, the computer room had been transformed into a chapel to worship her god, Yagami Raito. Pictures of the teen lined the walls. Sometimes he was smiling, and sometimes he was angry, but he was always in the pictures one way or another.

Matsuda spent his time drooling over Misa Misa (Hey give him a break! She _is_ a model) or being an unnoticed idiot. They only noticed him when they caught him doing something stupid.

Aizawa had gone back to the police because 'So help me! I am _not _taking orders from a love-sick _model_!'

Mogi was being Mogi and saying nothing about the transformation of the building.

Soichiro was in the hospital from the heart attack, because evidently Kira hadn't tried to kill him. It had just been Misa.

So when the two handcuffed comrades returned they were very surprised.

Well Raito was pissed, very pissed. _Extremely_ pissed, actually. After seeing the pictures he yet again wondered _'How did I get involved with this girl?!' _and _'What the hell was I thinking?!' _Instead of voicing the thoughts to the team he vented his anger by tearing down the pictures and shredding them into tiny pieces.

Misa didn't mind the tearing of her pictures because now that she had the real deal again, the pictures were now obsolete. The first thing Misa asked was to go on a date. This caused screaming and swearing to come from Raito and a couple more ruined pictures.

L went to the kitchen to get cake since he was still a little depressed from not eating hordes of candy. When he returned he saw the room in an even worse state than when he left, so he left to get more cake trusting that it would get slightly cleaner if he left. Besides, he was the 'perverted stalker' and was not wanted.

And thus everyone pretended the whole incident never happened because it would change their lives irreversibly if they did.

**Author's note: I am so weird… **

**But weird is good! And the weirdness demands reviews! Remember to review! **


	2. The tennis coach is Kira!

**Author's Note: Okay, peeps- (forgive me for saying that) Chapter Two, here we come. Oh, and to my beta, Skotty, YOU ROCK MY SOCKS! Seriously- she saves my life when I write this stuff. So enjoy**

"**Skotty's" Note: … For both our sakes, I'm going to ignore the fact that you shortened my username. FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT MY SPEEDBOAT! SpeedboatSkotty. MeSkoteinos Metamfiezomai. I AM NOT A MALE. SKOTTY IS A GUY NAME. The delay is my fault, though.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, or anything else I mention. If I did, it would suck. Be glad I don't own it. **

**What if…**

**The tennis coach was Kira:**

Raito Yagami had just had the shock of his life. Not only was standardized testing incredibly easy, but some guy who Light had thought was an emo hobo was starting to be on a first name basis with him. _'Why does this keep happening to me?' _

"Hey, Raito, that emo kid is following you again. Maybe you should give him your bagel and he'll go away."

Raito could always count on the random concerned kids giving him advice since he was so pretty.

"Damn it! No, I already tried that with Raye Pembar. Throwing food at stalkers doesn't make them go away!" The kid gave him a weird look then walked away.

'_Thanks for the wonderful advice- it __**really**__ helped'_

Raito turned to run from his newly acquainted stalker, but the emo hobo was just too fast and caught up to him. _'Damn!' _

"Yagami-kun. Did you know that I am…"

"YES! You told me you were L! Don't call me 'kun' or I will tell my father you molested me, you bastard!"

"I wasn't going to say I was L." The emo stalker put his thumbs to his lips.

"Oh, then what _were_ you going to say? Care to elaborate? Or maybe you could just leave because I offended you so brutally! That would make us both happier!" But the stalker looked anything but offended. In fact, he looked kind of amused.

"Did you know that I am a British tennis champion?" The man smirked.

"I'm sorry but what does that have to do with anything?" Raito wracked his brains for a reason that L or Ryuga or whoever he was said this. _'Maybe he's an escaped mental patient.' _

"Because we are going to play tennis so that I can deduce that you are Kira." Ryuga looked at Raito then the tennis courts prompting them to play.

"Oh well that makes perfect sense! Why didn't I think of that?!" It was obvious to anyone the statement was sarcastic but Monkey Man took it as a complement.

"Because you are not a genius like I am."

(In the Kira Cave)

Being Kira was difficult for most, but it was _torturous_ for the present Kira. His name is unimportant so he shall be referred to as Kira Number One; not Two, nor Three- he shall not be Kira Four either; he shall only be Kira Number One.

Kira number one wasn't extremely smart, but he knew how to get things done. You just tortured freshmen geniuses to break into the police information center and say that if they tell anyone you will kick them out of the school. Hence the leak in the police task force.

Kira number one looked outside and saw to his surprise that two freshmen were playing tennis on **his **court! No one should be able to play tennis without his permission and nobody got permission! They should die for their insolence- how _dare_ they play tennis on a god's court!?

(On the Tennis Court)

"So what's your face, you gonna kill slouchy and grumpy out there?" Ryuk bit into his apple thoughtfully. You could never truly tell what the tennis coach was thinking because he never really thought about anything.

"Yes! But first I must discover their names and whatever I can because I am KIRA!"

"Do you have to say that all the time? You just said it five seconds ago." Ryuk finished his apple and reached for another one.

"It makes me feel big… Because I am KIRA!"

(Back at the tennis court)

Raito was dashing like a madman from one side to the other. He was usually all for physical fitness, but Ryuga just kept the ball flying. _'What is this hobo trying to prove? That just because I look like a pretty boy I can't play tennis? Why does everyone say that?!_'

Meanwhile, L was also running to and fro. Why was he playing tennis again? Oh, right he was trying to prove Yagami-kun was a serial killer by playing tennis. _How does that work?_ _Wait… L should not doubt his own logic- HE IS L! L is justice L can do whatever he wants… for the most part._

So neither of the two tennis players noticed the middle aged man running down the stairs. They also didn't notice him trip, and they didn't hear the Shinigami laughing at the man's pain.

Kira Number One groaned _'I'm too old for this! Maybe I can just blackmail some freshmen into being Kira for me… Wait, no I can't! Because I am KIRA!' _Kira number one got up and hobbled over to the two freshmen.

"Hey you! What the hell are you two doing on my courts!" Raito and Ryuga looked up.

"Uh well I was trying to hit my stalker in the face with a tennis ball so he would go to the hospital and die. Yeah, that's about it." Raito looked moodily over at Ryuga, who had hunched over.

"And I was trying to prove that Yagami-ku-"

"DON'T CALL ME 'KUN'!!"

"That Raito-kun is Kira and is trying to kill me because I am L." L bit his thumb and turned to give a blank stare at Raito who was raising his tennis racket warningly.

"Fool! You can't prove that he is Kira because _I_ am KIRA! And I will kill you both for disobeying Kira's Law of Justice!" L looked blankly at the tennis coach.

"That is impossible, because Raito-kun here is Kira." L pointed at Raito.

"I'm not Kira! And just because I say not to call me 'kun' does not mean you should call me by my first name!" Raito hated people who automatically judged things about him. Usually people just assumed he was stuck-up, but being a murderer was slightly out of proportion.

"But I am Kira! I can prove it too, but I don't feel like it so I'll hit you on the head and kidnap you and demand dominance over the police forces!" Then the man burst into insane laughter.

"Don't you normally _not_ tell people your plans of kidnapping? I don't know… maybe I'm stupid or something. It just seems kind of idiotic." Raito once again displays his gift for pointing out the obvious to the idiot Kira.

"SHUT UP!" Kira hit the two teens on the head and proceeded to drag them into the Men's Locker Room. He may not have brains or knowledge, but he certainly has charm. Oh, wait he doesn't have that either. He's screwed.

(At Raito's house)

Sayu looked at her math homework glumly. Why did she have to do math? Couldn't they just make scientific math-doing monkeys and force _them_ to do it? Maybe that's _why_ people had kids-so they could force them to do evil math problems. But Sayu was luckier than most of her fellow algebraic slaves; she had her genius brother Raito.

"Onii-chan! Where are you? I need help with my math homework; it's something about geometry I think… Where are you?" There was no answer from upstairs. Funny, normally Raito was laughing insanely and eating chips right now. _'What could be keeping him?'_

(In the male locker room)

"So, Ryuga… still think I'm Kira?" Raito and L were currently tied to a pole in the locker room. The current Kira was in his office writing down names in a black notebook and laughing to himself.

"Yes, you could still be Kira."

"Then why am I also tied to a pole?"

"You could be trying to trick me! That might not be Kira at all, but some past criminal that Kira is controlling with his magical powers in order for me _not_ to think that you are Kira! But I am not fooled, because I know that you and you alone are Kira!" L's eyes blazed with fiery determination. There was no way his only suspect was getting off easily.

"Oh, explain why he isn't dead yet." Bang went L's argument. _'Maybe Kira can also kill ideas and dreams... meaning that…' _

"Raito-kun is Kira!!!!!" L's case was back on.

"No, because I AM KIRA!!!!" L had nearly forgotten about Kira's victim, who had stayed in his office before hand.

"I can prove it too! I'll send this tape to Sakura television and it will show people dying at times I say… and then I will be a god!" L gave them man a blank look.

"Are you serious? Sakura is a junkie station; no one pays attention to anything they say. Their best show is about stupid women switching houses and families for one week because they were unhappy and wallowing in self pity." Raito started breaking into hysterical laughter. L hadn't watched T.V. much since he found it irrelevant and stupid, but the few shows he had watched on Sakura hadn't improved his opinion of television.

"Do not mock my favorite station! With great shows such as 'I Loved You so Much I Wrote a Crappy Soap Opera', 'All My Parents' Offspring', and 'Baby Will You Be My Forever Girl?', how could it be bad? Kids have no respect for their elders anymore. My god, what has this world come to? It disgusts me..; but wait I can change this because I am-"

"I swear if you say you are Kira one more time, I will rip out your intestines, wrap them around your neck, and _strangle _you!"

"I wasn't going to say I was Kira."

"Of course not… just like Ryuga here wasn't going to say he was L." L looked up.

"I didn't say I was L. I didn't think I needed to repeat myself," L said stubbornly and Raito sighed.

"I am Kira!" Kira number one still felt the need to point out the obvious.

"I am a dedicated college student!"

They both looked at him strangely.

"What? I felt the need to shout out my occupation like all of you. How hypocritical- you two disgust me."

(Several hours later)

"Hey you guys look…Saku..Saku… Sssakura Tewevision showed my tapey thingy." The tennis coach had been drinking to pass the boredom while waiting for his recording to be shown. Raito and L had been forced to listen to him stammer about how great Sakura Television was.

"Well that was convincing. I love how you killed news reporters who didn't believe in you. Bravo." Raito looked smug even while being tied to a pole with an emo. _'Man, I now __**officially**__ hate the athletic department.' _

"Ha ha ha! you're so fuuny, Raito-kuuun…" Kira Number One's head rolled back and he dropped his beer bottle dropped spilling on the floor. _'Great, now I'm soaked in Budwiser. This just keeps getting better and better.' _L's face contorted when the beer began to soak through his pants.

"Ugh. Now my jeans will be all brown and icky; this is your fault Raito-kun." Kira number one suddenly started to break into hysterical laughter receiving glares from both Raito and L. He fell on his back and hit his head on a locker, which promptly knocked him out.

"Why did they hire this guy?" Raito asked L in a hushed tone.

"Some things are best left a mystery, Raito-kun," answered L in a similar tone while the man was rolling on the floor.

Just when all seemed hopeless a female student opened the door to the locker room, _'I am saved! Thank you!' _She looked around the locker room in confusion until her eyes fell on the coach splayed unconscious on the floor next to the tied up L and Raito.

"Am I in the wrong locker room?" Her cheeks colored and she turned around and left the locker room. _'This can't be happening. Bad things are only supposed to happen to ugly people!' _

"No! Don't leave me here! Come back and save me! COME BACK!!!! Ah, damn it she isn't coming back."

"Obviously, you have a gift for stating what doesn't need to be said."

Raito ignored the sarcastic comment and instead stared at the unconscious Kira.

"Do you think he has a knife that we could use to bust out?" Raito searched the man with his eyes, then turned to L. But to his shock L had the pocket knife and was using his foot to cut the ropes.

"Since Raito-kun looks surprised, I will explain that I took it one hour ago while you were watching the recording. I was waiting for you to confess you were Kira."

"I can't say I expected better of you Ryuga. Just cut the damn ropes." L was trying to keep the knife blade pointing at the ropes and the hilt between his toes.

"Hurry it up- he didn't drink that much vodka! We don't have that much time." L gave Raito a moody look.

"Raito-kun, I hate to inform you that this is harder than it looks. He wasn't drinking vodka, anyways; it was Budwiser."

"That means we have even less time!" Indeed, the man was starting to stir. But L cut through the ropes just in time for Sayu to come crashing through the locker room.

"Raito, where the hell are you when I need you?! I can't do my math homework I looked for you all over the place!" Sayu looked very angry and flushed.

"I was tied up to a depressed hobo. Is that a good enough excuse?"

"No! You were probably just making out with him! Now come home and do my math homework, or at least buy me a genetically mutated monkey to do it for me!" Sayu grabbed Raito's arm and proceeded to drag him out of the room.

"A monkey? Why do you want a monkey?" L stood up and walked behind Raito and Sayu.

"Just shut up and do my math homework!"

L hated losing, and in a way this was a big loss. The man had proven that he was Kira and that Raito Yagami was not. L had just been proved a fool by trying to pin the blame on an unusually attractive teenage boy. _'Wait, I have not lost yet! Victory will be mine!' _

(A few months later in a fancy hotel)

Matsuda came rushing in with a paper in his hand overjoyed with great news.

"Ryuzaki remember the tennis coach at your old school? Well he was not only convicted of drinking on campus but they also found tapes in the office that were given to Sakura television it proved that he was Kira! So that means you can let Raito and his father out of confinement! Aren't you happy Ryuzaki"

'_Damn Matsuda! Why does he have to do this to me?' _

L pressed the intercom and began to speak to Yagami-san in his robotic voice, "Yagami-san, another man has been convicted of being Kira and has evidence pointed against him."

Yagami-san looked towards the camera in excitement, "Ryuzkai, that's wonderful! That means Raito can go home!"

Matsuda moved to press the intercom to tell Raito the _great _news, but L was fast enough to stop his idiocy.

"Matsuda! I request that you don't tell Raito of the tennis coach's capture and confession." L glared at Matsuda to prove his point.

"Why would you do that Ryuzaki?" L racked his brains for a good answer. He needed sugar he hadn't had any all day. Where the hell was Watari when you needed him?!

L pressed the intercom to speak to Raito, "Want to confess, Raito? The faster you confess the sooner you get out of here!" Raito looked up at the camera. He was paler than normal and looked stressed. Maybe it was the confinement.

"I am not Kira! And you know it!" Raito shouted at the camera, no doubt imagining L's face being beaten to a pulp. It made L smile and sip his tea. No sugar, damn.

'_That doesn't mean anyone else knows it. Where the hell is my sugar?!' _

**Author's Note: **

_Remember to review_

_Even if it made you spew_

_My couplets may be bad _

_You should hear my sonnets _

_They're really quite sad_

_And make me want to vomit_

**Just review and ignore the poem, Thank you to everyone who did review, or alert it, or favorite it. You rock my socks everyone. **

**Beta's Note: If anyone catches the Three Days Grace reference, I'll give you a cookie. –snicker-- Light was at the grocery store….**


	3. Light and Misa get married

Author's note: It's finally here!!! My writing block! Er, I mean my chapter. Heh heh… I've had issues getting ideas for scenarios recently… probably due to my boredom in band class… If anything goes wrong remember to blame my band director! Once again, thank you to all of you who even bothered to look at my story. And yes, I know it's really weird… but hey, I'm allowed to be weird. Right?

ANYWAYS thanks to my beta who threatened to strangle me with my own intestines, Skotainos Metim Fizomai er I think that's how you spell it… Enjoy.

Beta's Note: --sigh-- I suppose it's better than 'Skotty'.

What if…

Light and Misa got married (please don't kill me for this)

Raito was sitting in his house. Normally, this wasn't so unusual… but he wasn't alone this time. Well, a blonde model was a marked improvement from _Ryuk_; she didn't beg for apples every five seconds. Raito couldn't even remember why they were there in the first place- his memory still hadn't improved much after he tampered with it.

"Raito, when are your parents going to be home? I'm tired of holding in the good news!" whined Misa. Raito blinked- if he was wondering what she was here for before, now he was _really_ confused.

"Er, Misa…? What the hell are you talking about?"

Misa smiled and tilted her head to the side.

"Don't you remember Raito?" Raito racked his brains for a moment. Nope, nothing; maybe giving yourself temporary amnesia was not a good idea.

"Um, no…? Did you do something stupid?" It was a pretty big possibility.

Misa grinned in her cheesy way.

"No, Raito. Last night you and I went to see the 'Phantom of the Opera' and we both agreed that I was like Christine because I'm so pretty…" Raito racked his brains again- he didn't even recall the names of the musicals. His memory wasn't _that _bad, yet.

"Er, Misa… when did this happen?"

Misa looked as confused as Raito himself. She brought a tape out of her bright pink purse. She walked over to the T.V. and placed the tape in the V.C.R.

_An extremely glum looking Raito Yagami stared glumly at the camera. He was standing outside what seemed to be a theater. He looked down at his watch then back to the camera._

"_Misa… I really don't see the need to celebrate the fact that we live in the same apartment. That doesn't mean anything, Ryuk could say the same thing." Looking back at his watch he tried to unsuccessfully ignore the camera. _

"_Raito-kun! You know that Misa loves Raito the mostes!, Ryuk loves his apples the mostest; not Raito!" The blonde's voice sounded unusually loud from behind the camera. Her reassurance did nothing to improve Raito's mood as he glared at the camera. _

Meanwhile, Misa watched the screen in eager anticipation, while Raito tried to figure out the reason behind his recent memory loss.

"_Oh it's nearly time to go in Raito, I'll get our seats!" Misa hurriedly turned off the camera and the screen went blank._

"Was that it? I'm sorry that still doesn't explain anything, and you're a terrible cinematographer you really shouldn't be in the filming business." Raito smirked. Typical Misa showing him something unimportant.

"Oh but it's not done yet, Raito!" Misa's smile got even wider and pointed to the screen. _'Is she being sarcastic or something? Is Misa capable of being sarcastic?' _

"_Okay Raito-kun what did you think of the play!" Raito sighed and looked up. The camera's date showed it to be about two hours after the first filming. _

"_It sucked." _

"_No, what did you really think?" Raito kept a straight face as he looked at the camera._

"_I meant it." Misa pouted in the behind the camera. Raito rolled his eyes._

"_If you think that I would enjoy watching a genius fall in love with a blue-eyed idiot, then you don't know me at all. My god, it was worse than watching Pride and Prejudice… I nearly died after that one." Raito shudder and started to walk away._

"_But Christine wasn't an idiot! She was in love with Raoul-chan and it was very inconsiderate of the 'Phantom' to just barge in on their relationship!" Misa screamed at the brunette teen. _

"_Well actually, if you would remember correctly, Raoul actually hadn't seen her in about ten year…s while the Phantom had been teaching her for the past six months." Raito smirked at the blonde behind the camera._

"_But he can't do that! They were in love; Ryuzaki had no right to barge in like that!" _

"_When did Ryuzaki get in this conversation? We were talking about how love makes you stupid." _

"_How can you say that Raito? Love is the most powerful thing in the universe! It is even stronger than your father's heart, which hasn't had an attack in six days!" _

_Raito rolled his eyes again._

"_I'm not much of a romantic. I'll prove it to you- if I make it through Pride and Prejudice, we'll get married. If I can't, you admit that my father's heart is stronger than any love there is." Raito smirked_

"_You're on, Raito! We are going to get married in a big chapel, with lots of flowers and bows! It's going to be PERFECT!" The words lost their affect slightly since they were being shouted. _

Raito looked at the screen, somewhat amused. It was true that he had watched an hour of the five hour Pride and Prejudice; Sayu had made hi. It had to be the worst hour of his life. There was no way he had lost this bet. He smirked knowingly.

_A wide eyed pale Raito sat twitching next to Misa on a couch in their apartment. _

"_Oh my god, please don't tell me this is five freaking hours," muttered Raito, slightly horrified at the prospect of watching British people for five hours straight. _

"_The hell with this! I, win Misa." Raito made to move off the couch but was immediately stopped by Misa pulling out a taser and stinging him. _

"_Damn it Misa! What the-" here, the camera inserted a large beep "-was that for, you-" _

_Misa used the taser again, shocking him in the side. By this time his hair was fairly staticy._

"_Misa carries her taser to be safe from perverts like Ryuzaki!" Raito looked about ready to explode after he heard this._

"_But you shocked me when I tried to leave, ah-" another beep "- that hurts!" Raito rubbed his side and glared at Misa._

"_But if Raito left, then we wouldn't get married! Raito and Misa have to get married!" Misa pouted at Raito who was still busy rubbing his recently shocked side._

"_How many volts was in that thing anyway?! And what do you mean we're getting married?! I am not marrying-" Misa zapped Raito again. Raito screamed a clutched his side._

"_Have you been coordinating torturing methods with Ryuzaki?! All right, I'll marry you! Freaking hussy." Raito glared at the Misa. _

"_Yay, Misa wins!" Misa started jumping up and down on the couch. _

Meanwhile, the present Raito was gaping at the screen, wondering what he drank to agree to marry Misa. Misa took out the tape and stuffed it in her purse. She looked incredibly happy. _'I have no reason to live anymore! Oh, wait… I can always whack her…' _

"So, you see, Raito, we're going to be married. And I invited all our friends, like your old tennis coach from school- you know, the one who was fired for drinking. I also invited Ryuzaki and Matsu and Takada." Misa growled out the last name in pure hatred.

"I have a tennis coach? Wait, I thought you hated Takada." Raito looked questioningly at Misa.

"But if Misa invites Takada she can rub it in her face that Misa won and she can go commit suicide for all Misa cares!" Misa grinned brightly at Raito. Raito rolled his eyes- the things women would go through for good looking men.

"Well this will be exciting, I suppose…" grumbled Raito through gritted teeth. He just needed to get Misa out of the room… _then_ he could have a meltdown.

(Six weeks before the wedding)

"Damn it, Raito think, think!" Raito was pacing in his room thinking of how to get out of a crappy marriage. After watching a fair amount of chick flicks and sappy movies he had a fairly good idea of what a perfect wedding was. And what it took to crash them. It wasn't going to be easy, not with Misa as the bride. But he was fairly sure he could pull it off. After all, he was _Kira_; he _killed_ people for a living.

Just at that moment Misa walked in the room with Ryuk trailing behind. Alongside her was a short woman with glasses and a mousy complexion.

"Raito, look who I brought to plan our wedding! It's Francine Francington; she's a world renowned wedding planner!" Misa's bubbly additude obviously didn't affect the wedding devisor, who looked as unimpressed as ever.

"Why do we need a wedding planner? I thought we might be able to just place some flowers around and be done with it."

Misa and Francine looked stunned.

"This is unacceptable! I cannot endure such ignorance in a couple!" Francine spoke in an annoying French accent that was unusually thick. "You, boy! Leave my presence; you will only bring misfortune on this wedding! Lleave _now_!" Raito rushed out the door, glad to be gone, and brimming with ideas.

(Raito's wedding crasher attempt Number One)

Raito walks into the room and stares at Misa.

"Misa, I don't love you anymore. I've decided to go on a long journey and never return." Raito waits for Misa to answer.

"But Raito will always love Misa and never ever leave her. Raito should go get ready for the wedding," answers Misa loyally.

_Damn!_

(Raito and Misa book the wedding band… or Raito's wedding rasher attempt Number Two)

"Well Misa thinks we should get Hannah Montanna… what does Raito think?" Misa turned towards Raito.

"Nope. How about the Beatles?"

"They broke up, Raito. How about Hillary Duff?"

Raito snorted at the suggestion.

"I am not having a teenage pop idol at our wedding. ACDC is the only way to go."

"NO! Raito, don't be so mean! Misa is _not_ having screamo at her wedding!" Misa pouted at Raito.

"Kiss?" asked Raito tentatively.

Misa started to cry, making mascara run down her face.

"Led Zeppelin?" Raito asked.

Misa continued to sob.

"Erm… How about McJagger?" Raito suggested.

"Misa is not having old people singing at her wedding!" screamed Misa between sobs.

"Well, that cancels out you singing." Raito smirked. Victory was so close.

"Raito, that's so thoughtful! Misa _should_ sing at her wedding. It will be so romantic… thank you Raito." Misa smiled and sniffled.

Raito scowled. There went plan B.

(Raito's wedding crasher attempt Number Three)

Raito walks in the room, determined.

"Misa, I have AIDS!" Misa blinks and looks at him.

"And since I don't want you to die, I don't think we should be married. You need to call off the wedding." Raito smirks.

"Misa doesn't care if Raito has AIDS. She will stand by him and make sure justice prevails. Misa will love Raito even if he looks like Ryuzaki!" Raito scowls and attempts to decipher Misa's hatred for L.

Raito leaves the room.

'_I'm running out of ideas here…' _

(Raito talks to his best man)

"Ryuzaki, the wedding is gonna kill me- I swear it. I don't even know what to do anymore." Raito draped his arm over his eyes while leaning back in a chair. It was obvious to anyone he was fatigued.

"Well, I have deducted that either someone is going to die or get married. Either situation is highly likely. There is a forty-three percent chance that Raito-kun could die," answered L, who was crouched on another chair drinking sweetened tea thoughtfully. He was glad _he _wasn't getting married.

"_That's_ encouraging. How did you come up with that conclusion?" Raito asked sarcastically. L put some more sugar in his tea.

"Well, lately I've been hearing bells…" L turned his head to look at the wall

"Bells?" asked Raito, questioning L's sanity for the fiftieth time that month.

"Church bells to be precise, wedding bells, maybe or…" L turned his head to look back at Raito with a very serious expression. Suddenly Raito burst out laughing.

"It's not funny, Raito-kun; you could die." Raito continued to laugh hysterically.

"I'm sorry Ryuzaki, but I thought _I_ had issues! Bells?! Memory loss is nothing compared to that!" Raito tried to contain his laughter but just succeeded snorting. L glared at him. "True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."

L just glared again.

"If you're so glad I'm trooping off to my death, are you going to watch first hand?" Raito's sarcastic statement lost its affect on L. He looked down at his tea looking at his reflection.

"Honestly, I'm going for the cake, and to see if Raito-kun will admit to being Kira." L looked at Raito gauging his reaction.

"I'll just ignore that last part and focus on getting out of the wedding all together." Raito sighed.

"I thought Raito-kun liked Misa." Ryuzaki reached for a piece of strawberry shortcake on the table.

"Are you kidding me?! Ryuzaki, I _hate_ Misa. I can't even remember how I met her!" Raito glared at Ryuzaki.

"Have you ever once in your life told the truth?"

Raito gaped at Ryuzaki. What was that supposed to mean?

"Is this about me hating Misa? OF COURSE I MEANT IT!!!!!! You idiot, you think I love her or something?! I thought you were supposed to be a freaking genius!" Raito shouted at the insomniac detective.

"I've always wanted to say that to Raito-kun…" admitted Ryuzaki.

"And why now?"

Ryuzaki shrugged and bit into his cake.

"Well in the mean time, I have a wedding to crash. Don't eat too much cake while I'm gone." Raito got up and walked out the door.

"Suggestion ignored." Ryuzaki reached for another cake to eat.

(Raito' s wedding crasher attempt Number Four)

Raito walks into the room.

"Misa, I've had an epiphany. I'm gay, literally that is. Not only am I more attracted to other men than you, I'm more attracted to Ryuzaki than you. That's right; I'm in love with the creepy pervert." Misa stares at Raito.

"But Ryuzaki loves cake more than you, so you can't love Ryuzaki," states Misa confidently.

Raito thinks of an answer for a moment.

"I'm sincerely jealous of that cake, and will kill it with the Death Note." Misa blinks.

"Raito can't kill cake… it's impossible. Besides, Raito is lying! He can't love the pervert!"

Misa's words ring through Raito's head. He attempts to think of an answer and fails.

"Alright, I don't love Ryuzaki but… erm… ugh, damn!" Raito exits the room.

(Raito's wedding crasher attempt Number Five)

Raito walks into the room confidently; this plan is going to work!

"Misa, I've decided to stop being a police investigator and become a male prostitute!" Raito smirks. No one wants a husband who's a whore for a living.

"Do those guys exist?" questions Misa.

"Of course they do. I will be the best one yet!"

Misa gapes. Who _wants_ to be a prostitute?

"Misa doesn't believe it."

Raito's smile dies. "Misa doesn't have to," states Raito defensively.

"Prove it." Raito's jaw drops.

"Eh?" He hadn't expected to have to prove it.

"Prove that you want to be a naughty person!"

Raito thinks hard.

"This isn't the end Misa! I will win!" Raito walks out the room.

(Raito's finally out of ideas)

"Come on Ryuzaki; you have to be able to think of something!" screamed Raito at his best man. Ryuzaki just gives him a cold stare in return.

"I have little experience when it comes to marriages, or relationships for that matter," stated L as if it was obvious to anyone with half a brain.

"I'm going to be married in three days, Ryuzaki! I want to be a bachelor just a little longer!" There was no way he was giving up being single for Misa.

"Can't Raito-kun just say no?"

L really doesn't understand Misa. Raito, however, was sweating bullets right about now.

"Ryuzaki, you know how Misa is! 'No' isn't good enough! I have to do a better job than that!" Raito thinks of all the terrible wedding videos he's seen. None of them seemed to be in quite the same situation, but something has to work!

"I'm going for the cake."

Raito sighed, exasperated at L's lack of decent advice.

"Well this isn't over yet! I will win! I can't lose! I'm Raito Yagami! I survived being locked in a prison for fifty days and being hand cuffed to an insomniac for God knows how long! I can overcome anything!" L looked up, slightly offended.

"That was not my fault! Don't blame it on me!"

L stabbed his cake in contempt.

"Yes, it was your fault! Don't deny it."

L stabbed his cake again angry at Raito's inconsiderate statement.

"Raito-kun is the one who suggested being locked up in the first place!"

Raito blinked, confused. "I did?"

Ryuzaki nodded.

"Well, uh, that changes things. Damn my bad memory." Raito moved towards the door. He finally had an idea that would get him out of being married.

"Where is Raito-kun going?" Raito reached for the door knob. Then turned his head to look at the detective.

"I can't remember." Raito exited the room.

(The big day)

Raito was standing at the altar, sweating nervously. Everything had been prepared. If it went according to plan, he should be a bachelor by the end of the day. The priest was preparing the vows and Misa was no doubt primping. L had recently disappeared along with the wedding cake. He said he'd be back in time for the wedding, but who really knew.

The room was no doubt Misa's preparation; everything was pink. The walls, the flowers, the ribbons… even Raito's tux was pink. L had been forced wear a pink shirt, which is probably one of the reasons he ended up leaving early.

Misa entered triumphantly through the door of the chapel. She smiled sweetly and gave a short wave to Takada, who looked ready to kill herself. Raito snorted; this wedding was nothing to be happy about. His father and mother were crying in the pews, overjoyed that he was finally settling down. His sister was playing on a Gameboy, no doubt just as entertained as L.

Misa waltzed down the aisle in a sickly fuchsia dress. Raito groaned with impatience- he needed to start his plan before he finally did die.

After about ten minuets Misa smiled a tearfully, and joined hands with Raito. L finally showed up without the cake and with a beard of pink frosting. No doubts about where the cake was.

"Love has brought us together to marry this murderer and this slut!" The audience gasped Misa's eyes bulged. Step one was nearly completed. Raito smirked. _'Show time' _

"Wait! That came out wrong! Let me try this again!" The priest cleared his throat nervously looking at his written vows confused. Who had messed with his notes?!

"Er well, love has brought us together to marry this lovely lady and model. Uh it was a very pretty love, and um…uh…" The priest sweated nervously; he was useless without his notes to help him. He wasn't even a real priest.

Suddenly through the door came an insane arsonist with his shirt and pants on fire. For some reason, he had felt the need to burn down the church and had caught on fire himself (Raito had fun writing this part out on paper). The arsonist ran past the confused spectators, straight to the altar and had a heart attack at the feet of the priest. The priest quickly set to work on putting out the fire. He didn't work fast enough to avoid setting off the sprinkler system; water rained down from the ceiling, drenching the spectators. It was only after they were soaked that they noticed the water wasn't water and was pig blood from the butcher's shop.

L turned tail and left muttering something about finding the back-up cake. Misa was crying from the turn of events. Raito took the moment to exit inconspicuously and finish out his plan.

"This is terrible, Raito!" Sobbed Misa who still hadn't noticed he had conveniently left. "Raito?" Misa looked for her fiancé, confused at his lack of crying. After not seeing him or L, she began to fear the worst. _'Maybe he really IS gay…' _Misa shuddered. There was no way that pervert was ruining her wedding!

Just then, pieces of white confetti fell from the ceiling and landed in the fingertips of confused relatives. After catching the confetti they looked at the bride and began screaming in horror.

"Oh my god there's a giant monster standing behind you!" shouted a horrified spectator. Misa looked behind her to see Ryuk chuckling.

"It looks like some sort of gay clown!" screamed another spectator. Ryuk started going into all out hysterics; he hadn't expected weddings to be so much fun! Now all he needed was an apple.

When all hope of a normal marriage was gone the bizarre events began to get even worse. A male voice resounded around the room which sounded curiously like Michael Crawford.

"_Why so silent, good Messieurs? Did you think that I had left you for good?" _The stunned spectators looked up, confused at why the Phantom of the Opera would show up at a wedding.

"_Have you missed me, good Messieurs? I have written you an opera! Here I bring the finished score- Don Juan Triumphant!" _The audience was now very confused, because obviously they didn't see an opera fall from the ceiling (Raito was very busy and didn't have time to write an opera). So, naturally, they were wondering what the Hell was going on and what kind of a wedding this was.

"_I advise you to comply- my instructions should be clear. Remember, there are worse things than a shattered chandelier!" _At this point a chandelier dropped from the ceiling, accompanied by recorded laughing. Overall, it was quite a spectacle and was most likely to be remembered as the weirdest wedding in recorded history.

"Well, there _are_ worse things than a shattered chandelier, but I have to say that was pretty spectacular." The voice came through the same loud speaker that had been used with the Phantom tape. A low chuckle resounded throughout the room.

"Now if you want to see anything that is _extremely_ dangerous, please stay; be my guest. Or you can leave and speak of these events to no one. If you don't, I promise I will murder you all in your sleep." The threat was taken seriously and everyone from Sayu to Matsuda left the church in a mob of anxiety, leaving only Misa, Ryuk, and Raito.

Raito climbed down from the ceiling grinning smugly. He walked over to the altar next to Misa, who was still sobbing her little heart out, and Ryuk who was still laughing hysterically.

"Pretty nice, eh?" Misa glared through tears at Raito.

"Nice?! Raito, you ruined our wedding! How could you?!" Misa hated when people were inconsiderate.

"Hmmmm. Well, at the time I thought the chandelier was a bit much but I think it added to the effect nicely. I was planning on blowing up the cake, too, but Ryuzaki beat me to it." Raito nodded, acknowledging the idea as being trustworthy.

Just then, L walked back into the room, then stopped when he saw the broken chandelier, the soaked carpet and pews, and the absence of everyone else besides the bride and groom.

"Raito-kun, where did you put the backup cake?" Putting his finger between his lips he looked from Raito to Misa, who both ignored him.

"Raito, don't think this doesn't mean Misa will marry you! Misa will marry Raito right here, right now!" Misa smiled confidently only to be met with a bored expression from Raito.

"Oh, can it Misa. You can't have a wedding without a priest and witnesses; _everyone_ knows that."

L looked at him.

"Everyone _except _Ryuzaki." Misa glared at Raito.

"But we can always have another wedding later!" Misa spoke through gritted teeth. Raito chuckled at her stupidity.

"Who would come after this disaster? Misa, it isn't going to happen. That's final." Raito turned his back on Misa and walked triumphantly towards the exit.

"Raito can't do this! Raito is so mean!" Misa shouted at Raito's back.

"I'm sorry- I can't hear you." Sarcasm didn't improve Misa's mood- she started to cry again.

"Raito-kun, want to get some cake?" L slouched his way over towards Raito and the exit.

"_Anything_ beats marriage."

(Four months later)

"I don't believe it." Raito was looking at the newspaper with L at the headquarters for the investigation. Four months after the disaster wedding, his mother still hadn't forgiven him for not getting married. L hadn't gotten his back-up cake and had been rather irritable for a while. But after eating some more cake, Raito's crime was forgotten.

"Well, Raito-kun should have expected it after all he did," answered L calmly, also looking at the newspaper.

"But… Still! I mean, it's _Misa_." Raito's tone was disbelieving. L sighed and held out a piece of cake.

"Does Raito want some cake?" Raito stared at the cake.

"No?" L shoved the cake into his hands. Raito looked at L with an arched eyebrow.

"Raito-kun should eat the cake to deal with the rejection." Black eyes stared at Raito.

"I don't eat cake. Besides… I can deal with rejection just like everyone else. Through internet dating!" The joke lost its impact on L, who took it seriously.

The paper had exclaimed how Misa-Misa had gotten married to Hideki Ryuga (the pop idol; not L) after breaking up with her ex-fiancé Raito Yagami, son of the former Police Chief Yagami. A giant picture of Amane and Ryuga took up most of the page, then a smaller picture of Raito was placed below it. The couple would be going on their honey moon to Paris. That's as far as he read before he gave up.

"If Raito-kun wasn't in danger of committing suicide, I would point out his lack of knowledge in relationships." Raito closed his eyes and sighed.

"I can't believe she dumped me."

"But you hated Misa."

"And she dumped me."

L stood up, tired of the whole comforting thing; it wasn't something he was very talented at. Moving to the kitchen to get more cake, he left a depressed teenager with an array of sharp materials nearby. Very smart.

"Well this is ironic," stated Raito after L left. Sighing he grabbed the cake in his hands and took a bite.

**Author's note: Sorry to all you Misa Misa centrics out there who are probably ready to kill me. I just had to do this one. My Beta just about killed me when I suggested it. **

"**Hey, Skotty! I have another 'What if' idea!" **

"**Yeah?" **

"**Raito and Misa get married!"**

**She nearly strangled me I think; neither of us are big fans of Misa. So yeah remember to review folks. (B/N: Actually, I threatened to clip off the tips of her fingers, cauterize the wounds, mince the fingernails and feed them to her.)**

**I think next I'll do an L what if. I've been focusing too much on Raito cuz it's easy to write a parody with angry people… but L deserves the spotlight for a little bit, don't you think? Oh and for anyone who wants a 'what if' with Near or Mello, A little help? I'm not as obsessed with Near or Mello as I am with Raito and L, so it's harder to come up with ideas so if you have any suggestions feel free to share. **

**B/N2: I'm your beta. I'll help, sheesh. . **


	4. Light goes to therepy

**Author's note: Okay so unless I do this 'What if', my muse will kill me. I don't know why… it's like having a really irritating song stuck in your head and it won't go away until you do something about it! AGGHHHHH! **

**Okay, insanity spout over. Thanks to my reviewers and readers and to my beta who is once again ready to kill me. This time the cause is square dancing, which IS the spawn of the devil!!! Oh and this chapter has spoilers for THE chapter that kills THE character (evil music) so if you don't want me to ruin it just skip this scenario.**

**B/N: I **_**like**_** square dancing, just so everyone knows. :-P**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing! Except a couple chibi drawings of L in my math journal those are mine. **

**What if…**

**Raito went to therapy.**

Raito stared at the corpse in his arms. This wasn't one of his normal brawls with L; this time he was really dead. And there was nothing he could do about it! He had only realized after Rem had written the name down that this meant he was stuck with Misa for good. That was when he started screaming! _'Who the Hell am I going to take my anger out on now?! Damn!' _

"Ryuzaki, stop messing around! You asshole, get up! I am not marrying Misa!" Tears were obscuring his vision, but he saw L's eyes close one final time. No doubt cursing Raito to his grave… Well, he _did_ deserve it.

"Uh, Raito, are you okay?" Matsuda shook Raito's shoulder, ignoring the teen's screaming.

"Of course I'm not okay! My best friend is dead and now I'm stuck with a bunch of freaking morons! Not to mention the Shinigami is probably going to kill us all!" Matsuda gasped.

"Where's the Shinigami now?! Find him! Er, her! Whatever it is!" The police officers rushed off to find Rem. Raito sighed and left the body to find the notebook.

(At Rem's pile of dust)

"Well, if I was poetic I'd say something about how we're all dust in the wind." The task force and Raito stared at the pile of sand at their feet. Raito really didn't care much for the Shinigami. Rem did too much nagging for his liking- 'Raito save Misa or I'll kill you!' and 'Raito go on a date with Misa or I'll kill you!'. How many death threats can you receive without them losing their significance?

"Does anybody else feel like something's missing?"

Raito ground his teeth. This was why he should have waited to kill L! Then, maybe he'd be drinking martinis on a beach in Florida next to some hot chick. Yeah, that would be fun.

"You mean Ryuzaki?"

"Yeah! Geez, Raito you sure are smart!"

Raito stood up and faced away from the task force so they couldn't see his eye twitching. He suddenly missed Ryuzaki more then he probably should have.

"Matsuda-san, don't be stupid. And where the Hell is my sugar?!" Everyone stared at Raito's back.

"Raito stop it you really sounded like Ryuzaki; it's creepy."

"Your face is creepy!"

(Two weeks after L's unfortunate demise)

"Yagami-san, it would seem that Kira has changed his tactics once again. You should look into it."

Raito crouched on a stool wearing tattered jeans and a plain, white, long-sleeve shirt. Ruffling his hair and rubbing it against a balloon had caused it to be somewhat similar to L's, and the new black dye job had made him look like L's twin. After some eyeliner, a few sleepless nights, and a couple dates with Misa, Raito's eyes were obsidian black and he had the creepy I-am-looking-into-your-soul-and-I-think-you're-a-murderer stare down. Sochiro had spent many a night contemplating what to do- this needed to end _now_.

"Raito, I am your father. Don't call me by my last name." The team sent worried glances towards Raito. Raito put his finger between his lips and cocked his head just like L used to.

"It was decided that I would be the new L; why shouldn't I act like him?"

Sochiro couldn't think of a reasonable answer- the truth was that Raito could do a very good impression of L when it suited him. It was like Raito had died instead of L. Sochiro shuddered at the thought.

"Because it's creepy!"

Raito turned and gave him the L stare.

"Well, Raito, just because you are the temporary L doesn't mean you have to act like him." Raito turned back to the screen and sipped some tea. Frowning, he dropped some more sugar in. Sochiro sighed; it was time.

"Raito, we're worried about you. Misa is worried about you. Ryuzaki is dead; there's no bringing him back." Sochiro patted his son's shoulder with fatherly affection.

"No, Ryuzaki-san is dead and gone. Unfortunately it instantly places more suspicion against Raito-kun, whose percentage of being Kira is now seventy five percent. He may have to be locked in confinement again."

Sochiro blinked; had his son just referred to himself in third person? The grief was getting to him and causing him to go insane! Something must be done!

"Raito, the team and I believe that you may want to go to therapy. It will be easier to deal with the grief." Raito blinked and shook his head.

"Damn you, L! This is your fault; fix it you bastard!" screamed Raito. He must have been worse than any of them thought! Inconceivable, unbelievable, impossible, improbable!

"Raito, L is dead. It's been two weeks. He _isn't_ _here_." Sochiro made his son turn and face him. The look in his eyes made him take a step back; his I-don't-want-to-deal-with-this-and-I'm-_NOT_-going-to-deal-with-it glare could have given Sara Sidle a run for her money.

"Of course he isn't," he said in a sarcastic tone.

"That's it- you are _going_ to therapy! And that is final!" Sochiro yelled at his depressed son. Raito yawned and reached for a cookie; ironically, like L, Raito didn't lose weight on the all sugar diet. Maybe the dietitians should look into that.

"What if I said no?"

"I'd take you anyway!"

Raito surveyed him. "No."

"What?" Sochiro blinked; it was inconceivable!

"I said no. I'm not going." Sochiro dragged the wheelie chair behind him as he went to the exit.

"Aizawa! You're in charge. Matsuda, don't do anything stupid!" And the two were out the door and making there way towards recovery.

(At the therapist's office)

"So, Raito, is it?"

"Yes."

The tweedy man perched his glasses on his nose and scribbled on a piece of paper. It was all show, really; the whole office was filled with college degrees that showed how good he was at making miserable people slightly less miserable. He was confident that he could turn this depressed young man's life around. All he needed was a little encouragement! And possibly some drugs.

"I feel like I know you! Can I call you Raito-kun instead?"

The boy sighed, closing his dark eyes.

"No one can call me Raito-kun."

The man blinked; so much for making him feel comfortable. No matter… he _was_ a professional, after all!

"Well then Yagami-kun we'll start with some basic exercises and then we'll get to talking, okay?" The boy shifted in his crouching position and pressed a finger to his lips.

"Whatever is best, Doctor." The boy's unemotional tone needed to be fixed if he was ever going to get better!

"Please call me Hiro. Doctor is what my patients call me; I think we're going to be friends."

The boy glared at him through black hair.

"You're not a very good doctor."

Of _course_ he was a good doctor! How dare this boy refuse to acknowledge it! He sniffed, clearly offended by the depressed teen's rude statement. The doctor reached into his bag and pulled out a picture of some inkblots. Nothing could tell more about a person than randomly placed inkblots!

"So what do you see?" The boy looked at the paper.

"Ink and paper."

The doctor sighed; it was going to be one of those days.

"But if you saw a picture, what would it be?"

"Ink and paper."

"No, you have to really try this time!"

"A man murdering his wife with a screwdriver and throwing their anemic son out a fourth story window." Raito reached over and pointed to various spots on the paper, showing the man massacring his wife and child. The doctor cringed; this was worse than he thought.

"Well, er… that's quite lovely."

"I didn't see it."

The doctor blinked. Why did _he_ get all the nut jobs?

"What did you see?" Raito looked at the wall then back to the doctor.

"Ink and paper." The doctor smacked his face.

(Session two)

"Raito, I want you to tell me about your friend Ryuzaki." The doctor had out a note pad, Raito looked at it warily.

"He was smarter than you."

The doctor ignored the jibe and scribbled on his notepad. "So what were his likes and dislikes?"

Raito blinked. "Why? You planning to meet him any time soon?"

The doctor scribbled some more on the note pad. "Well, I feel that I should know your friends so I can understand you better."

Raito let out a humorless chuckle. The doctor clenched his fists; the boy was infuriating beyond belief.

"Ryuzaki is dead, and that is the end of it."

The doctor wrote this down for further analysis. "Until you let him go, you'll never get over your grief."

The boy snorted and rolled his eyes. "What if it wasn't me who's holding on?"

The doctor wrote more down. "You think he's alive?"

"No, he's dead."

"Then why did you say-"

The boy cut him off before he could finish. "You're not listening; that's the problem. You're only hearing what you want to hear. Now can you get me some sugar?" The doctor passed him the jellybeans.

Had he just been dissed by an eighteen year old?

(Ultra super mega plot twist is revealed!)

"Raito, I feel we can tell each other anything now."

Raito snickered. "Really?"

"Of course," replied the doctor loyally.

"Then you are a trusting fool. Just like everyone else."

The doctor opened his mouth to pose a question. "At least I'm trying! You are just sitting there! You can't get better without some effort on your part!" The doctor had finally lost his cool and blown up. Never in fifteen years of therapy had he been this pissed at one person.

"It's a little difficult with your dead best friend screaming inside your head."

The doctor stopped. "What did you say?" The doctor looked incredulous- this could be the breakthrough he was waiting for!

"You heard that?! Shit!" The boy went off on a swearing rant. "I am not insane! You got that, doctor! I have not lost it; I'm waiting for Alzheimer's! My dead best friend just happens to be trapped in my skull, indefinitely. And it sucks!"

The doctor blinked. This was very _odd_…

"Ah, great, now he stares. Why do they always stare?!" Raito muttered to himself.

It didn't seem like he was schizophrenic; maybe the doctor was dreaming.

Yes, he had to be dreaming, even if it was about his depressed patient. The kid would be getting drugs tomorrow.

(Outside the office Raito's p.o.v.)

"_That went well. Did you forget to mention that you had a god complex, too?"_

It was Ryuzaki blathering away inside his head, like usual. Ever since his death, the spirit of his enemy/friend wouldn't shut up. He obviously felt a bizarre need to guilt trip him for some reason that he couldn't figure out.

"_**Don't think this is going to last long! I'm going to get that exorcism and you will be out of my head for good!"**_

He could just feel the entity roll its eyes. Well, Raito's eyes, really, since they were the same person. Walking towards the waiting room with hunched shoulders, he saw his father and Misa waiting. Nobody else bothered showing up anymore; not after Ratio had thrown a fit not unlike one of Misa's usual tantrums.

"_Does Raito-kun have to think about that? I spend most of my time trying to forget those tantrums." _

Misa hopped over to Raito, squeed, and pecked him on the cheek. She was refraining in front of Sochiro; thank God for parental supervision.

"_Yes, and look how well it works. You're a selfish, manipulative murderer who reads porn." _

"_**I am not selfish and I do not read porn!"**_

L snorted. _"We caught you on tape." _

Raito glowered. That damn detective was getting too outspoken for his own good.

"Are you okay, Raito?" Misa looked up at him with worried puppy dog eyes. He really would have to learn to control his facial emotions.

"Well, the therapist got on my nerves today. I'll be fine, Misa." He smiled at her.

"_Can we get some sugar? You're a little low at the moment. That bastard therapist hogged it all to himself." _

"_**Hell no, we are NOT getting sugar!"**_

Disappointed, L trudged back to the corners of his subconscious where he was no doubt trying to rewire Raito's brain again. Last time, when he had been trying to make Raito forget he was Kira, he caused a spasm in his muscles.

"_I'm a detective, not a neurosurgeon!" _

"Misa, why don't you and I go on a date?"

Misa instantly brightened.

"Yay, Raito! Misa would love to go on a date with him!" The three walked out the door and into the foyer.

(Misa, L, and Raito's date)

Misa and Raito were seated in an ice cream parlor north of the office. Raito was gazing out the window, trying to think of a way out his unnatural predicament. Misa was staring with loving adoration into Raito's eyes. And L was silently trying to convince Raito to get up and get some cake, a little difficult when inside said person's head.

"Misa, I think that we should move out soon." Misa's head jerked up she grinned.

"Really?! Has Misa finally won?" Raito jerked his head away from the overpopulated streets.

"Against who?" asked Raito

"_Isn't it obvious?" _

"_**No. Aren't you supposed to be trying to make me get sugar?"**_

"Against Yuri, Takada, and Ryuzaki of course! Misa finally owns Raito!"

Raito blinked. "Eh?"

"_Does Misa-chan think I'm gay or something?!" _accused L in a bitter tone.

"_**Isn't it obvious?"**_replied the murderer.

"So… I'm your slave now. Goody." Raito's sarcastic comment did nothing to dampen Misa ecstatic mood. Raito would have to get rid of them both before he _did_ finally go insane!

"_Does that make me her slave too? Or is it just Raito-kun that she wants?" _

Raito shrugged. "This is Misa; who knows? More importantly who _wants_ to know?"

Misa's cheeks became bright red. Raito swore under his breath, he needed to watch his mouth.

"Did Raito just diss Misa?!"

Raito thought quickly to cover his tracks. "No?"

L snorted inside Raito's head. _"Losing your touch that fast, Yagami?" _

"_**No…. Just my mind." **_

"Yay! Misa loves Raito too!" Misa squealed and flew into a death grip.

"Misa, I can't breathe!" gasped Raito while trying to pry his way out of the affectionate hug.

(Session three)

"So, Raito you know we aren't progressing. You need to try or you'll never get better."

"_Who picked the idiot?" _asked L

"_**Matsuda, I think."**_Raito honestly couldn't remember who had gone looking for a teen therapist; looking at the result, it had to be Matsuda.

"_Figures," _agreed L. Matsuda had a habit of screwing things up.

"What if I wasn't depressed and you just suck at your job?"

The man stood up. "I have stuck by you all this time! You treat me like dirt under your boot; I deserve respect! I'm helping you!" Raito held up a finger to silence the man.

"I don't wear boots; they're tacky."

The man screamed and lunged for Raito's throat.

"_Can I fight this time Raito-kun?"_

"_**No! He's mine!"**_Raito sent a fist into the man's throat. Having two people's combined strength sent the man flying into a chair. Raito stood up.

"I think our sessions are over. Good day, doctor." Raito turned and walked out without a second glance. He was free!

"_Your father isn't going to be happy." _

Raito didn't care; even L couldn't dampen his mood today.

"I'm free at last!" He punched a fist into the air.

**Will Raito and L get their original bodies back? **

**Will Misa finally realize that a depressed Raito makes and even worse boyfriend than a megalomaniac Raito? **

**Will Raito not be an arrogant son of a (beep)? **

(The dramatic finale)

Raito was walking down a street in a thunderstorm. To tell the truth, he was probably trying to get hit by lightning. No advances had been made in the Kira case (well, obviously none of them suspect him) and L wouldn't leave him alone for two seconds. It was getting painful to wake up every morning and realizing that he would have to starve again- he was _not_ eating anything with sugar in it!

"_Is Raito-kun getting us some cake?" _

Worse yet, it seemed that L had had a stroke, not a heart attack. The genius mind had been flushed down the toilet leaving him with this annoying kid. WHAT DID HE DO?!

Just when all hope was lost, a miracle happened and Raito was struck by lightning! Or God chose to smite him with his awesome powers… whichever you prefer. The amount of electricity left him slightly charred and crisp. But since this is a fanfiction, Raito magically didn't die and L managed to get back to his body… Except it was under ground. Raito decided not to be a murderer and went to marry Misa, announcing his true love, then he gave a bunch of money to poor orphans. Yay!

Well, that would be the ending if this story made no sense at all. Sorry, folks. I'm not _that_ nice. Here's the _real _ending…

(The real ending I mean it this time)

"Okay, that's it! Ryuk, you said you would kill me after I failed! Well, aren't you going to kill me?!" Raito jabbed Ryuk's chest. Raito was sick of this; not only did he look like the bloody detective but he was starting to think like him too! He was becoming and unemotional robot! He was an arrogant prick by nature he wasn't going to change now!

"Who will I get my apples from when you're dead?"

Raito stomped his foot and went into a cussing rant.

Ryuk reached for an apple. Good thing Misa wasn't home yet.

"Gah! You useless Shinigami! Can't you do anything right?!" Raito hit his head against a wall.

Ryuk stared as Raito continued to bash his head against a wall. "Eh, Raito… what are you doing?" Raito stopped and glared at him.

"I'm committing suicide, you idiot!" Raito went back to bashing his head against a wall. Ryuk puzzled over the words.

"But won't that take a while?"

Raito stopped and glared again. "No rope, no sharp objects, no medicine for the potentially suicidal teen. Head bashing is the way to go."

Ryuk bit into an apple thoughtfully. "Why don't you just jump off a tall building?"

"That's brilliant! I'm a genius; I'll just jump off a building!" Raito hugged himself with glee and rushed out of the room.

Well, you guys know what happens next…

Misa found the body and stabbed herself in the chest with a kitchen knife, just like Juliet! L got Raito's body but never really quite adjusted to the whole I-have-to-sleep-more-than-an-hour-a-day thing. In fact, it drove him insane, possibly more than Raito. Sochiro never figured out his son was technically dead and continued to show fatherly affection to L. And Ryuk did not get any apples. Poor Ryuk…

**Author's note: That ending was terrible! Gah! But I can't think of any other ending. In truth this could be a couple chapters long, but I'm doing really long one shots instead. By the way… incase I haven't mentioned it Kyoko and the Tennis coach are actually in the manga and anime. They are mentioned in about two scenes which is why I chose to use them. If I ever do an overly done idea it will be bashing it, so don't worry… no OCs are going to end up in my story…Yet**

**Now go and review! Shoo! Review! Go, GO! **

**B/N: OC's? Oh, dear. All the things you could do…**


	5. Mikami has issues

**Author's note: I am sorry about doing so many spoiler chapters but these are the ideas that come to me so you guys will just have to deal. Thanks to readers, reviewers, and Beta. I love you guys. (Not literally) By the way I'll never actually use the F word because I'm too lazy to change the rating so that's why in case you're wondering. **

**Oh yeah and just to warn you I'm updating before my beta gets to look at this so the spelling and grammer will be horrid. I hope I don't burn your eyes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or UNO or the Matrix or anything else**

**Warning: SPOILERS! That's right! I'm incredibly evil and will ruin Death Note for you! **

**  
What if…**

**Mikami never showed up (You know what this means) **

(In Raito's shotty Kira headquarters)

Sitting in his wheelie chair with an authority that only an egotistic genius can show Raito sipped his coffee. Being L and Kira at the same time was not only frustrating but kind of stupid, not to mention that kid kept on throwing it in his face.

"Hey L, Near's on the line." Speak of the devil. There are very few people Raito can say that he hates. (Well only a couple he actually knows) There's Misa, Takada, Mikami, Matsuda, Ryuk, Rem, L, Near, Mello, Aizawa, Ryuga Hideki, Mogi, Sayu, Ukita, That other task force member who's name he always forgets, and just about everyone else. Well okay maybe that is quite a lot of people but he LOATHES Near with a passion.

"Oh god, please tell him to go to hell and send me a post card." Aizawa glared at him, Raito just stuck out his tongue and went back to drinking his coffee. If he didn't kill only criminals Aizawa would be the first to go.

"Just talk to him you asshole!" That was another thing he hated about Near, ever since the kid showed up no one respected him anymore. He'd have to fix that when he became god.

"Alright, I'll talk to the brat." Raito pressed the button and opened communications between him and the spoiled little imposter (At least L treated him with some respect)

"Spit it out, what the hell do you want?" Raito's bored expression could only be matched by L's and was successful in pissing off anyone who looked at him.

"I've decided that in order to prove that you are Kira I will go to Japan and socialize with you kung-fu style." Raito snorted as if. Raito was the master of kung-fu action battle scenes, he watched the Matrix seventeen times in one sitting. And when did socializing get into the conversation?!

"Wow when did you decide that you little prick? Are you going to be one of those freaking tourists who decides to see Godzilla's birth place? Well here's a secret I killed the freaking lizard, that's right the newt is dead." Near paused.

"No… I was thinking we could meet in an abandoned warehouse where no one could get in… or out." Right whatever the kid could think what he wanted Raito had him right where he wanted him.

"How classy, go on." Matsuda brought in some more coffee. Stupid dog couldn't think for himself, god Raito hated him.

"It will be on the twenty-eighth and we will meet there to cooperate." Another annoying fact about the elf, he could only use words like cooperate and socialize when he really meant kill you or kick your ass. He was terrible with words.

"Can't."

"Why not?" Was it just Raito or was the kid sounding more smug than usual.

"I'm marrying the hussy on the twenty-eighth try another date." Misa and his wedding was not high on his to-do list but it sure beat "cooperating" with the elf boy.

"Misa Amane can wait our soirée can't." What the hell was a soirée anyway?

"No she can't trust me on this." Near snorted on the other end of the transmission, one more reason to hate him.

"Trust you?!" Yes, is it really that hard to trust a murdering genius with a god-complex?

"Have you met the blonde?" He obviously hadn't.

"Yes, she and I are having a tea-party with Mogi." Oh god, _tea-party_? Hmmmm rape, murdering, genocide. Anything was possible with shorty in charge. Raito remained silent and gaped at the screen. _TEA-PARTY?! _

"Do not worry it's of their own free will." Oh great now Misa was being raped because she wanted to be.

"And that's supposed to soothe my fears how?" Matsuda chuckled, and turned to impart his wisdom on Raito.

"What are you worried about L? It's just a tea-party." Raito glared at him; really sometimes he was just _really _stupid.

"And that's supposed to soothe my fears how?" Matsuda frowned slightly puzzled.

"So our get together on the twenty-eighth is still on?" And the kid still wanted to have a fight, well he had some determination. (Even if he was probably doing the deed with his fiancé)

"Sure whatever freak. Don't be late or I'll be pissed." Near cut off the connection and the room went dead.

"What the hell are you all staring at?! Back to work minions!" The taskforce grumbled.

"The _real_ L didn't call us minions!" Whined Matsuda, Raito threw a coffee cup at his head.

"What are you talking about; he did that way more than Raito ever did!" Reminded Aizawa thinking of the old days.

"Oh yeah."

(Raito and Near meet)

Raito walked into the ware house with a bemused expression. Near had chosen a good place for his party or whatever the hell he had planned. Misa still hadn't returned from her tea-party with Near which meant the shrimp meant business. Well he could handle business, after all he had experience.

That's when he saw the kid and burst out screaming.

"Oh god there's something eating your face!" Near looked up through his mask.

"It's a mask." Raito continued to scream.

"Take it off its hideous!" Near reached down to play with his dolls and finger puppets.

"I won't take it off until thirty minutes have passed." Raito blinked just getting over the shock of seeing the hideous mask.

"What's it supposed to be anyways? An octopus or a troll?" Near played with his dolls some more.

"It's L. The real L unlike you fraud." Raito inspected the mask, nope no resemblance.

"Sure I guess, it really looks more like an octopus." Near frowned behind his octopus mask.

"I say it's L!" Here was the whiny little kid Raito had been looking for.

"Please just take it off! It's freaking me out!" Light closed his eyes and turned his back on the mask of death. It was just so damn weird.

"NO!" One of the Team Near members went to calm down the runt before he went into a tantrum. Raito sighed, where the hell was Mikami when you needed him?!

(Mikami's escapade)

Mikami, Raito's minions of minions was at his new church on the twenty-eighth praying for support from Kami-san (Raito) to kill off the doll obsessed demon (Near) and the rest of the fools who dared to show impudence to Kami-san (Taskforce and Near squad) Head bent in prayer he was the image of dedication. Unfortunately for him he was worshipping an asshole who killed people for fun, but he doesn't know that yet.

"And may Kami-san strike down all his enemies with his holy notebook that he left me to deliver his people from evil. Oh and I hope he's pretty." Mikami lifted his coat and dusted off his knees. Time to get to work.

(Near Raito face off)

"Okay it's been thirty minutes now, take off the damn devil mask!" Raito timed it to the exact second. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, thank god!

Near slowly took off the mask to reveal a face that looked pretty much exactly like L's. How many people can look like a corpse and live?! And why did they all have issues with killing people?!

"You know I think I liked the mask better, you can put it back on now." Raito reached for the mask inspecting it carefully.

"No, now we wait." Okay then Near, what could that mean?

"For what?" Near did the freaky L stare. Were these people related or something?!

"For the one to come who will settle this birthday celebration once and for all! X-Kira!" Raito chuckled inwardly L used numbers for Kira's Near used uncommen letters. What was he, Z-Kira?

"Who's birthday was it?" Asked Matsuda not picking up on the fact that Near can't use normal nouns.

"Matsuda you're an idiot and I think you should know that if you marry my sister you will find a kitchen knife where your heart used to be." Matsuda started to cry. Well somebody needed to tell him.

"Wait were the last thirty minutes just pointless filler?" said Aizawa.

"Yes, that's right I just wasted thirty minutes of your pointless lives." Come on Mikami, save us from more Near fillers.

(Mikami continues to do whatever it is he does)

Mikami walked towards his car with a giant grin on his face, today was the day! Kami-san would finally respect him like the mindless-submissive-_possibly_-gay-minion that he is! Of course he'd never actually _seen_ Kami-san before but Takada had dished some pretty good dirt on him before she died. And Mikami respected that kind of dirt.

The engine started and he began to pull out except he forgot he was in reverse and crashed into a wall. Climbing out of the wreckage he stared at what used to be his car, and screamed.

"Nooooooo! Kami-san forgive me! I must make it in time and eliminate the infidels!" He hit the massively dented car with his fists. How would he kill Near now?

(Six hours later at the high school reunion)

Raito glanced at his watch glumly, there was still hope. Maybe Mikami had gotten in some sort of catfight and had stolen a gun. And maybe Raito was gay and in love L, right.

"Hey guys guess what I brought!" Matsuda hadn't been killed by the boredom yet and was still standing or sitting really. Ide had dropped off after about three hours and one of the Near squad members shortly followed.

"I don't care you idiot." Raito was close to dying too. But fortunately he had already lived through worse in confinement and he hadn't had Matsuda to rip on, compared to that this was squat.

"I brought Uno! Yay Uno! You want to play?" Matsuda seemed to be immune to boredom and it didn't affect him in the least.

"Hell no." Matsuda just grinned and Raito grimaced, he hated overly cheerful people way too much. Near on the other hand sat and played with his dolls like a _real_ man.

"DIE KIRA DIE!!!!!" Near knocked over the Raito figure which also happened to be the Kira doll.

"Come on let's play Uno!" Damn the idiot was insist ant today!

"Do you want to go back in the closet?!" Matsuda's face contorted in fear, not the box!

"But it's so dark in there!" Raito raised a fist threateningly and Matsuda cowered back.

One of the SPK members fell over with glazed eyes. _'Another one bites the dust…'_

"There goes Lidner." Near didn't look that daunted and knocked over another SPK doll.

"Damn."

(Mikami rushes to meet his god)

Mikami ran through the rain and wind trying to read the address on the map quest print out. Where could the ware house be?! Mikami stomped through a puddle tears cascading down his cheeks. Anyone watching would have been reminded of L's last day except without the puddle splashing and tears.

"Why?! Why can't I do anything right Kami-san?!" Mikami waited for an answer; surely his god could hear him even through the rain.

No answer came.

"Kami-san!" And he continued to sob his pathetic little heart out.

(Day five: face off)

Not many people were left by now well only him, Matsuda, and Near. Talk about a fast killer, boredom killed almost as fast as the death note. He'd have to remember that in the future.

"Near this is pointless, I'm not Kira or whatever the hell you think I am. Just let us go and we'll have our… party another day." Near didn't answer. The last few days hadn't been good to him, he obviously hadn't been in confinement before. His hair was matted and stuck to his face, more resembling a gray cloud than the snow white it had been before. His eyes were also getting more cloudy and lighter less sharp than usual. Well not everyone dealt with stress as well as Raito did.

"No we must end this now." Near weakly lifted a doll of a shinigami.

Raito sighed and went to join Matsuda in his game of Uno with Ryuk. Even playing Uno with an idiot beat playing dolls with a prick.

(Mikami isn't dead yet)

Mikami arrived at the warehouse after six days of looking, his heart lept at the sight of the rusted out graveyard. Finally he could meet his Kami-san and win his love! He ran to the building and shoved open the door.

"Kami-san I will gladly kill everyone for you!" But Kami-san was nowhere in sight, in fact nobody was. The building was completely empty besides Mikami.

"No Kami-san I have failed you again!" He sank to his knees and began to sob again. And then well he snapped must have been chronological but still. He lost it, and started to see the giant bauble-head behind him. The bauble-head placed a hand gently on Mikami's shoulder.

"No I will eliminate you evil bauble head!" Mikami reached for his trusty death note. But the bauble-head stopped him.

"Teru you deserve better than this." Mikami blinked, since when did he have a first name?

"I do?" Mikami wasn't at all worried about the fact that he was talking to a bauble-head.

"Yes, you should drop him. No kill him with your death note, show him who the dog is now!" The bauble head grinned darkly. Mikami nodded slowly, that's right why should he have to grovel for attention!

"Then you must burn everything! Burn the infidels! Burn them all!" Mikami nodded and cackled maniacally. Kami-san would get just what was coming to him!

(Day twelve: Face off)

"Am I dead yet?"

"No."

"Pity."

"Are you dead yet?"

"No."

"Pity." Raito sighed he hated the runt so much. He was probably L's love child or something because he had the same stubborn streak. Not to mention the same taste of torture.

"Hey you guys want to play-"

"NO!" The two screamed at Matsuda who looked dejected at the idea that no one wanted to play Uno with him.

"Near."

"Yes?"

"This is stupid." Near frowned and picked up the L doll which resembled the demon mask more than L.

"No we're going to get results!" Whatever, they both knew Mikami was probably dead by this point.

Just when Matsuda was going to suggest another round of Uno a miracle happened. Mikami shoved open the door screaming like an insane-asylum-escapee. Laughing and pointing like a maniac he wrote down the names in the notebook. Finally someone was taking action, Raito had a newfound respect and admiration for the dog.

But then the Kira stabbed himself with a pen and collapsed.

"Okay then… Does anyone have anything to say?" The three of them stared at Mikami's bleeding twitching body. The other two seemed shocked at the amount of blood; he must have severed an artery.

"Ha now I have proof against you Kira!" Near laughed joyfully and Raito kept his emotions blank. Those two were dead men anyways it didn't matter.

Near picked up the death note and waved it in his face.

"You see, your name wasn't written down meaning you are Kira!" He laughed again, but Matsuda looked at it more closely. And then Raito noticed it too, crap.

"Near what the hell are you talking about?" Near stopped laughing and looked at the notebook and then he saw it.

"Ah f!" (Told you I'm not changing the rating) Written under the names Nate Rivers and Tota Matsuda was _'Light Yagami severs and artery, is hit by a bus on the way to the hospital, is crushed by a tree, is burned in the truck explosion, is filled with lead instead of morphine, and dies of a heart attack at 12:00 am on the twenty-ninth. _

"Wow he must really hate you Raito." Raito gaped at the page, holy crap that sounded painful. Not to mention he'd be deformed by the time he died.

"No it's not possible you are Kira!" Raito still gaped at the page like a slack jawed idiot.

"Obviously I'm not." Near's face was starting to get red and it looked like he was going to throw a fit. Then he came up with a brilliant idea.

"Pen, sharpie, sharp, rock. Sharp rock, there's a sharp rock five blocks from Yagami's house. My god… Raito is Kira!" Matsuda gasped, Near's logic was bullet proof!

"Wait what?" How had they gone from pen to Raito is Kira?

"Near you're a genius, how could I not see that before?!" Matsuda turned to Raito with a hard glare.

"Raito how could you?!"

"What, seriously what did I do?" Raito was really confused now, was that considered proof?

"How could you betray your father like that?!" Matsuda turned the safety off and shot Raito three times. What the hell?

"Matsuda you f'ing idiot what the f was that for you f'ing tard! God damn it!" Raito attempted to crawl out of the ware house.

"I'll get his legs Matsuda you finish him off." Near rushed to grab his legs. Raito hurriedly kicked the kid away he was nothing compared to L's super-anorexic-strength. Raito tried to get up before Matsuda decided to shoot again; damn he wasn't going to make it.

"Uh look over there! Oh my god what is it!" Matsuda and Near both looked back at the opposite side of ware house.

"What?!" Raito took his chance and ran towards the exit on his constantly weakening legs.

"Suckers!" The two looked back in time to see his leg out the door. They also happened to notice the missing real death note that Near had been rubbing in Raito's face.

"Oh crap we're dead men." Matsuda nodded emptily.

**Author's note: This was one of those where my muse would kill me if I didn't write it. I delayed writing it because my Beta hadn't finished Death Note yet and she wouldn't let me spoil it for her. But now I don't care and am writing it anyways. I always thought it would be fun to mess severely with the ending and I hadn't seen anyone else delay Mikami's arrival or let Raito get out and kill off Near so I decided to take it. **

**The other day I was sketching some what if ideas in my journal and one of them was the cast of Death Note gets stuck on a deserted isleand. Well my inner fan girl kind of went insane (her name is Pabloina) and gave Raito a six pack. **

**Feizo: (Gapes) Do I want to know?**

**Carni: Uh, trapped on a deserted island. **

**Feizo: Raito and Misa on a deserted island?! **

**Carni: …**

**Feizo: Well at least it's not Raito and L, that'd be even more clichéd. **

**Review or I will kill you. (Just kidding) Review or I will CURSE you! **


	6. Goodbye Mello

**Author's note: All you Mello/Near/Matt fans, today is your lucky day. I finally have an idea for a chapter that doesn't center on Raito. That's right, peeps I officially have crossed over to THE SECOND SEASON!!!!!! (cue evil music) Thank you readers, reviewers, and beta who have waited so long for me to do something without Raito. **

**You know I think I've become a Raito fan… I cried at both THE SCENES even in the manga and my friend stared at me really weirdly and said, "Why are you crying?" and then I said, "Why shouldn't I be crying?!" **

**Any way, enjoy the fic. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or Zoey 101. Or Britney Spears, for that matter. (Thank GOD.)**

**Warning: This is second season folks WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED???? **

**What if… **

**There was a goodbye Mello episode (Yes I know I'm ripping off Zoey 101) **

(In Mello's fortress of funkiness)

Mello sat wearing his tight leather clothes and eating his chocolate watching his henchmen take care of the Yagami problem. By problem he meant that stupid broad-of-a- sister-- Sayu.

At first it was great having a girl around; the guys stopped remarking on his ass and paid attention to an actual _girl_ for once. But then she had gotten so pushy, not to mention tearful. She always complained about how the ropes were too tight or the basement smelled like crap.

Honestly! Was it _their _job to make her life comfortable? No wonder the Yagami duo was taking forever getting her back.

(Yagami duo discuss getting Sayu back)

"You guys, it's awful! Sayu has been kidnapped by Mello! I wanted to marry her!" Matsuda burst into tears.

Raito sighed and went back to thinking about how nice it would be to kill them all.

"Over my dead body, you freaking moron; don't be a pedophile." Raito cocked his head and contemplated seeing his sister marry an idiot. "On second thought, go ahead, you idiot; marry the hussy and get her out of my freaking hair." Well at least she wouldn't be goddess of the New World; maybe she'd be a nymph…

"But L we have to get her back!" Raito snorted.

"Meh, Mello will kill her eventually; then we won't have to give up the Death Note to those wanna-be gangsta posers."

The task team grumbled angrily. This would have been a shock a few months ago, but lately Raito seemed to be developing an unnatural bond with the Death Note.

"But if they kill Sayu won't they think that we're even more incompetent?"

Raito sat up with a jolt. No! He had to save Sayu or people would think that he was an idiot, and he _couldn't_ be an idiot!

"My God, you're right! Otoo-san grab the notebook and run like hell! Make sure to blow Mello's brains out too; hit him in the head. That's a kill shot."

"I know how to shoot a person!" shouted Sochiro, a little miffed at his son's lack of faith in his aim.

"Yes, you pull the damn trigger and you blow his freaking brains out. That's how you kill the annoying pest; make sure he's dead and then burn his body in a vat of petrol. Did I mention killing him was a part of the process?"

Sochiro threw a book at the boy's head.

Turning wildly, Light didn't even notice the projectile. His eyes shone gleefully. "Good, I think he gets it. Matsuda, you moron! What the hell are you doing here?! Go and get my coffee, mutt!"

Matsuda hurried off to obey Raito's whim for coffee and Sochiro grabbed the notebook and left the building.

(We interrupt this fan fic for an important announcement)

Mello bit into the chocolate thoughtfully. Things were finally underway again; it appeared the Yagami's had some chivalry and went to save their daughter from certain brain damaging experiences.

That's why he was very shocked when a group of business men and one woman walked in. For one thing, how the hell had they gotten there? They were under ground! No one could see them! And they had no guns; there was a law forbidding people without guns in the cavern. If you didn't have a gun you were thrown into the desert without any food or water and only a hair dryer to protect you.

"Mihael Kheel?"

Mello blinked; didn't the authoress say that she'd stop doing spoilers?! Did his name not count as a spoiler?! That inconsiderate succubus!

"We have recently heard some disquieting information that has led us to make the decision to kick you out of Death Note."

What?! How could they? He was the star of the show! "WTF!"

"We have noticed your unnatural consumption and craving of chocolate, not to mention you look like a girl. And surrounded by men twenty-four seven we believe that you may have possibly become pregnant."

Mello blinked.

"De hoe thinks I'm preggers?!"

The woman nodded sullenly.

"We are writing an episode tomorrow that will get you out of the show." The group nodded to the other men then left.

"You can't kick me out of my own show, foo! That's totally trippin, man! I own this show; you can't just throw me out, bitch!" Mello jumped out of his chair and cussed at the group until they were out of sight.

(Goodbye Mello)

Mello sat on the steps to his underground layer. His blonde hair blew in the dessert wind and tears streamed down his face. Basically, it was a scene you would never see Mello in because it was so cheesy.

He tilted his head towards the sky and fished in his pocket for the note cards where he wrote down his lines.

"Oh, I can't do this… anymorph? Wait, no anymore. I can't do this _ANY MORE._ I don't care if Kira wins or loses. (Who de hell writes this junk?!). I'm so depressed because I have to move to…. Chzlavachia? Does that place even exist, man?! How can I go to a place that doesn't show up on de map?! Crappy screenwriter strike makes this episode crap!" Mello dropped his cards and flicked off the camera.

A helicopter began its descent onto the sand. Raito stepped out and spit on the sand, then demanded some more coffee.

"Okay, Blondie you do realize you're not only screwed, but you also look like a freaking girl." Raito tried to brush the sand out of his eyes.

"Fooshaw, dudes, just take the hussy and get out. I have ten more minutes of monologue to do."

Raito blinked; he had won this easily?

"Well, I don't really want the succubus back. You can keep her. I just want to see your damn head on a platter."

"I mean it. Take the ho."

Raito examined his fingernails. "I don't feel like it; now what's stopping me from blowing your freaking brains out, Blondie?"

"The man with words."

That was a new one.

"Ah…. Did they boot you out? How sad. I really was looking forward to some good chat time."

Mello cussed under his breath; so it was true Kira was a total asshole.

"Yeah, well, screw you, Yagami boy, I get to go to therapy with my homie!"

"I envy you greatly. Especially your talent at making puns, Britney."

Mello ground his teeth.

"Well I am going to enjoy the future episodes that revolve around me, like they should. So you and your freaky side-kick can rot in therapy together." Raito's smug smile lit up the dreary dessert.

"Oh, shut up!"

Raito waved the Death Note in his face and slowly sauntered back into the helicopter.

Mello glumly watched it fly away and realized he had thirty more minutes to waste before the managers cut him off. He looked at his notes, a bunch of crap about how he was wrong to run away how he really looked up to Near and even more useless garbage.

"Screw that. I'm going to join another T.V. show!" Head tilted up, he left the base and walked towards L.A. and Hollywood.

(Back at headquarters)

Raito grinned throughout the whole day. This couldn't get any better; now the screen time would be all his! Well and that puny little shrimp who built houses with cards… but he could be eliminated quickly; after all who wants to watch some gray haired freak?

"This is freaking great now I can be my normal self and I don't have to act sexy for screen time!" Raito yawned and placed his feet on the table and took a big whiff of his coffee. This was the life.

"Uh, L? What are you doing?" Sochiro looked down at his son.

"Well, we've got some filler time to kill since Near can't do crap without the transvestite there to help him, and the knocked up broad pretty much ruined the plot line for at least ten episodes. So we get Raito Yagami sexy fan service!" That's right; when someone ruins the plot of Death Note you get Raito Yagami sexy fan service. Save us all.

"Fan service?"

Raito drank some more coffee and shook his head; too sweet. "Yeah, it's what the girls want. After the first L kicked the bucket all the hard-core Anorexic Freak Obsessies went home and cried then ditched, leaving my fan girls, who kick ass." Raito winked at the squealing fan girls, who were no doubt swooning.

"Right." Sochiro blinked slowly. "So what should I do now? I kind of expected to die, so…"

"Do whatever the hell you want- actually, no. Get me some coffee without pixie dust, since the R-tard seems incapable of the smallest task. Idiot." Raito threw his coffee against the wall in disgust.

"I'll just go now…" Sochiro walked out of the room slowly then went to find Matsuda.

(Mello hits show business)

Mello sat with Matt in the backstage area of his new set. This show would be much better than the last one! Who wanted to watch some pretty boy kill people with a diary? Now they could watch Mello kill people with words! That's right; Mello was going to host his own talk show and become a new doctor Phil for the ladies.

Walking out and sitting down in his chair with an illustrious smile, he addressed the audience.

"Yo, peeps what up?" The crowd flipped through various dictionaries to derive the meaning.

"Today we're going to have my homie Takada come in and talk about her plastic beau. Yo, Tak, sup?" Takada nodded and sat down trying not to cry on the camera.

"Well okay at first we were like totally dating and stuff even though he was living with some little prima donna freak. And he was like totally cool and junk okay? But then she like comes over to my house for some French meal and she like totally dissed me then drank all my booze! Then she like totally said she was marrying Rai-Rai and I was like no way! And she was all like way bitch and I was totally pissed so I threw her out you know? Then I talked to Raito about her and he was like oh you mean blondie? And I was like duh! Then he said that she was his prostitute for hire! And I was like am I your whore for hire too?! And then he like stared at me and said no you're my prostitute for free. And I like slapped him and told him to never come back but he was like so sexy and I don't want the skank to have him! So like what should I do?"

Mello and the audience gaped; he'd never heard someone talk so much without breathing.

"Word, man. Word. Dude you should dump the wanksta and get some punkin' foo on the rebound like my homie Matt. Matt, you wanna date the puppet?"

Matt looked up from his game and opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by Takada.

"NO! I can't like dump Rai-Rai! He's like my hero and I like totally dig him. We had sundaes that like means something, I got him some coffee once and he said it tasted like crap! That means something, and we traded sweat shirts so my sweatshirt would smell like him and his would smell like me and then we would go to the mall. And then we would like be dating and stuff and he's just so sexy. YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!" Takada burst into tears and Mello signaled for a break.

(Raito brings in his opinion on the matter of screwing with the plot)

"Okay what the hell?! Everyone knows my free whore doesn't show up until I hire out the whack-job religious freak. And I don't get him until the regular whore sells her eyes for my affection and gives up the freaking notebook! Do you comprehend what this means?! This means that some asshole is screwing with the plot and shortening my fan service! Damn it, those girls need something to keep them going through this crappy strike. What the hell are they going to do without me?! Huh, answer me that!" Raito spoke into the camera and drank his coffee indignantly.

We are very sad to inform all Raito fan girls that we will once again be shortening his fan service. Check out some smut fics if you want some action.

(Near tries to gain some screen time through fan service)

"Dontcha wish your girlfried was hot like me? Dontcha wish your girl friend was-"

(We cut off Near's little song due to several seizures suffered by post-L-fan-girls watching)

(Back to Mello who seems to be making good business)

"And this is… Who are you?" Mello rubbed a hand through his hair and sighed.

"Teru Mikami."

Right. Can we say 'insane asylum patient'?

"And what's your issue?"

"I have lost telepathic communication with my god Kira and seek to regain it by deleting those who are evil. But still I wish to communicate my constant devotion to him and how I would gladly stab myself with a sharpie for him."

"Right. Okay."

"And I want to be able to meet him so I can be ordered around and serve him terrible coffee."

Mello nodded. "Right. What is it with you Asian people and coffee?"

"Coffee is the greatest sign of affection! How can you not know that?"

Raito has been brainwashing over half the characters in Death Note to get him coffee.

"Uh, I dunno I always thought Star Bucks was secretly taking over the government by spiking their drinks with amobarbital."

Mikami gasped and reached for a sharpie.

"No! You're going to get my sharpie all bloody, you freak!"

"But I have failed Kira-san! He has become a victim of giant multi-million dollar corporation!"

There was a brief struggle between Mikami and Mello until Mello relented and Mikami stabbed himself in the chest with a pen.

They had to evacuate the T.V. station and ship Mikami off to the asylum again.

(Near attempts to get the plot back on track even though he's screwed without Mello)

"L, I believe that you are Kira!"

Silence answered Near on the other line.

After a few moments… _"Well that's just dandy." _

"Aren't you going to deny it?"

"_Are you going to show some actual proof? You see, that was L's problem. He sucked at the whole 'let's prove it' thing." _

Near ground his teeth. Damn, he hated talking to Kira.

"I challenge you to a game of tennis!"

"_Wow. Aren't you a good little protégée. You probably even took notes. Tennis? Seriously, even L admitted that was a dud. Especially after I kicked his ass at the last game. Ah, it was great the look on his face! You should have seen it!" _

"I could win!"

"_I'm sure you've been getting a hell of a lot of exercise recently, holed up in that smelly building of yours. Seriously, get out once in a while, it'll be good for you. Help you grow maybe, oh and make sure to get an interview with a big magazine. Be sure they get a good picture of your pretty face." _

Near glared at the screen. "Are you F#$ing me?"

"_Now what gave you that idea? Remember picture!" _

Near groaned and cut off the connection.

(Mello decides he's too good for show business)

"Matt, my homie, I am sick of these emo freaks ruining my life! I can't take it; you know what? I am too good for show business! Too freaking good!" Mello struck a pose. Matt continued to play his Nintendo DS while Mello took out his laments on him.

"Sure, whatever dude." Mello walked out of the room and slammed the door and Matt slowly followed behind him.

(Raito finally get's some fan service)

"Wait, let me get this straight. The only fan service I get is if I make out with Misa or L…? L is dead, people! Don't be in denial! Screw my fan service! I'm too good for them anyway…. Stupid L/Raito fan service. You know what? I know you can hear me! I am too good for your gay fan service; that's right, _I am too good for yaoi_! Deal with it!"

(L's too good for death)

"Hello? Yagami-kun, I know that I pissed you off… but being stuck in a coffin is slightly dull. Can you let me out? Anyone?" L banged his fists against the wood of his coffin. The jerks hadn't even given him cards.

A girl walked up and screamed at the sound of banging.

"Oh my god! It's an Indian burial ground! And it's haunted OMG!" The girl dropped the flowers and ran away screaming.

**Author's note: Has anyone noticed how I've never actually killed off L? Wow I'm a softie. **

**B/N: And you value life and limb. --lifts Punjab lasso--**

**Raito may be too good for yaoi but the authoress is not too good for reviews. Review please. **


	7. L gets a stalker

**Author's Note: Here it is. I hope you haven't had to wait long for this one. I'm finally tired of torturing Raito and have moved onto L, my favorite character (Raito is my second favorite). Thank you to my reviewers who make this worth my while. And to my beta who no doubt wants to kill me from getting so many 'what if' scenerios. Ha ha enjoy. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of this! Not even Kyoko; she was actually that annoying chubby person near the tennis match and at the speech thingy Raito and L gave. I know that is a really random reference. But it is in there! **

**What if…**

**L got a stalker (Doubting my sanity yet?) **

For L to go and enroll in school was ludicrous, unthinkable, _inconceivable_! L needed no future education; he was fine the way he was! Yes, he never would have imagined him, a twenty five year old genius, going to college to 'further his education.' And yet, here he was, taking a test for enrollment. Oh joy. Unfortunately, he wasn't allowed sugar at the testing facility and it was making him jumpy. Literally- he nearly jumped four feet in the air when some annoying kid wouldn't stop clicking his damn pen. 

So why would L do anything he hates? Well, he hated to admit it but he was stumped, not in the knowledgeable way. Oh no he was perfect in that respect. But the task force was brainless and relied only on his knowledge which wasn't entirely wise. The one suspect they had was _perfect _that was the problem of course Raito Yagami was _too _perfect. And if _that_ wasn't enough, L was slightly jealous. Why can't _he _look like a pop idol with no apparent effort? But so far, Raito was far from being convicted; he couldn't be more innocent! That was annoying in itself. Seeing no other option, L condemned himself to the worst torture imaginable; conversing with the bright future of Japan. 

"Number one-sixty-two! Sit properly, damn it!" 

L looked up to see a man staring angrily at him. "What does it matter how I sit if I get the questions right?" 

The man stepped back and puffed out his cheeks. 

"Don't make me kick you out, freaky hobo!" 

Just then a pretty boy turned to stare at him- well it was more like a weird glare thing… _'freak'._

(Later at the award ceremony) 

Kyoko and her friend Sato were sitting in the middle of the auditorium not being congratulated for being complete geniuses. In fact, most people would wonder how Kyoko got there in the first place. So when she saw L slump down the aisle, she knew she was in love! He moved so gracefully and powerfully. Not at all like the other award winner, who had a disgustingly straight back and kempt hair. Kyoko was strong in her belief that it would be with Ryuga that she would grow old. 

"Wow, Sato! Hideki-kun is _so_ hot! I think I'm in love!" 

Sato gave her a disgusted look.

"What the hell are you talking about! Yagami-kun is _way_ hotter! Kyoko, honestly, what goes on in that head of yours!"

Kyoko sighed, ignoring Sato's cruel statements. He was the perfect man.

"Hello! Anybody home!" Sato waved a paper in front of her face, but such distractions were nothing compared to her love with Ryuga. 

(During the chain) 

"And I'm telling you, eating all that cake is going to give you a heart attack!" 

"By the rate things are going, I'll die of a heart attack anyways. I might as well ruin my health while I'm at it." 

L and Raito were yet again arguing about L's eating habits. L honestly didn't see why Raito cared. It was his body and he could do what he wanted with it; Raito be damned. 

"Whatever Ryuzaki; it's not my problem if the greatest detective in the world keels over of a heart attack." Raito huffed and L rolled his eyes. Typical Raito here, pretending he didn't care when he was probably pissed. 

"Ah, but it is, Raito-kun." Now _this _would get Raito pissed. Sure enough, Raito looked up and gave him the hairy eyeball.

"Really? How is it my problem?" said Raito through gritted teeth. 

L gave him a smirk, something he had picked up from Raito himself. It was useful when trying to irritate the Hell out of people; he would know. 

"Because if I croak, then it means Raito-kun is Kira." L gave him a wink. 

Of course, that was when Raito lost it and proceeded to punch his lights out. He'd have to ice that later. 

"So now it's my fault if you eat too much junk food?" Another punch in the face; weird…. It was normally only one punch. Before Raito could unleash more of his fists of fury, L sent a ninja style kick at his face. Watching old kung-fu movies had finally paid off. 

Just when the fight was getting good, the rudest interruption came from Watari. Really, some of these people had the worst timing. 

"_Ryuzaki, you might want to come down here."_

L got out of his crouched position. 

"I'm very busy, Watari; can this wait? I have business to attend to," huffed L. 

Raito rolled his eyes. "Business?" asked Raito in a mocking tone. 

L shot him a glare- _'Let's see you do any better.' _

"_Ryuzaki, someone has managed to break into headquarters."_

L blinked- that was unexpected. It would have to be a genius of more intelligence than both Raito and him _combined_. Naturally, he was curious. 

"We'll be right down." 

Raito gave him an exasperated look. 

"What about your _business?_" 

"Don't think this is over, Raito-kun! We'll finish our fight later." The pair walked over to the elevator. 

(At the computer room) 

"Who the Hell are you!" This was Raito. L had to say he was slightly shocked too; he could swear he'd seen the girl before. She was short and not exactly thin, he wore glasses and was grinning like an idiot. 

"Oh, hello Yagami-kun. Ryuga-kun, it's so good to see you!" 

Ryuga? That was the alias he'd given for his school enrollment. Not that he enjoyed it much. She must have been from their school. 

"I would suggest you tell every detail of why you are here and who you are." L put his finger to his lips. 

The girl looked taken aback from his cold tone but nevertheless, she proceeded to spill the beans. "Well, my name is Kyoko Nasigwa and I go to To-oh university and I saw you at the award ceremony and you looked so adorable in that white shirt…" 

Raito started to break into unbidden laughter while L started to gag. He'd never been called adorable before. 

"Anyways, I started following you around trying to get you to notice me. But Yagami-kun kept stealing you away from me!" Kyoko huffed. 

"Stealing him away! Ryuga here was practically stalking me. Don't confuse who was following who. But do go on, this is the best thing I've heard since, well… Anything." Raito sent L a wink. 

L was not a violent man by nature, but right then he wanted to strangle the boy. 

"Ryuga-kun, no one would listen to me when I said how handsome you were!" 

Raito burst into more hysterical laughter. L wanted to die. Why was this happening to him?

"I watched you play tennis, too! You were so much better than Yagami-kun; you should have won! I would have cheered so loud, and then we would get ice cream. And we would start dating and…" She was cut off from more hysterical laughter from Raito, who was rolling on the floor. The other task members were looking at her like drowning fish. 

"I'm serious! I love you, Ryuga-kun! I have ever since the first moment I saw you!" L's cheeks began to flush. If L was asleep he would have said this was a nightmare. 

"Ha! Ha! Ha! It's your turn to suffer now, _Ryuga-kun_! Ha!" Raito tried to regain his ability to talk coherently but one glance at L and he burst out into uncontrolled laughter again. 

Why couldn't the annoying kid shut up! 

"Keep you're mouth shut, Raito-kun…" The cold threat wasn't as effective as L would have liked and was ignored. 

"Love is the greatest thing in the world, Yagami-kun! Our love is strong and you can't break it! We will be together forever and ever and ever…" 

L gave her a cold look. "Our? We?" 

She looked at L, perplexed. 

"But Ryuga, I thought you loved me…" She stopped and stared at him. _'I'm going to be sick.' _

"That doesn't explain why you are here." 

Tears began to dribble down her face. Did all women have to cry so much? 

"Well you left school with Yagami-kun and I feared the worst. He could have kidnapped you in order to break our bond! He is the devil!" 

L flushed crimson; this was…well, what could he say? Strange? Creepy? Frightening? Insomnia-inducing? Please-send-me-to-the-mental-hospital-to-get-me-away-from-this-girl scary? Maybe he should settle for weird….

"Why would I kidnap Hideki? In fact, he practically kidnapped me!" Raito said, finally over his hysterics. 

"You were the one who suggested it!" snapped L. 

"Yes, but I have no idea why I did. You probably slipped drugs into my cereal," said Raito matter-of-factly. 

L sent a foot at his face, which caused Raito to send a fist in retaliation. 

"But Ryuga, I love you! And I know Ryuga loves me too!" stated Kyoko. 

"He does?" asked L. 

"This is taking too much time; Kyoko-chan can stay with Misa-chan." L made a dismissive gesture. 

Kyoko was dragged to the elevator where her shouts of love and devotions could still be heard. 

"Raito-kun is not very sympathetic." L looked at Raito who shrugged. 

"Since when are you sympathetic, Ryuzaki? Do you know how many times I've been stalked! Honestly! I've been stalked by Women, FBI agents, you, and I think I was stalked by some gay sort of clown." 

L raised an eyebrow. "A gay clown?" 

Raito nodded.

"Well, more of a gay French clown; I'm not really sure of that one… it's kind of hazy." 

L nodded slowly. Confinement had not done wonders for Raito's memory. In fact, it had deteriorated it greatly; he couldn't remember his own birthday.

"Either way, half of those were caused by you." Raito crossed his arms in defiance.

"Did I cause the gay clown?" L grinned. 

"French clown! No, I have no idea how that one started." Raito's brow furrowed as if trying to remember. 

"But the FBI agent and you were your fault! And not to mention you have no respect for a person's privacy." 

L glowered- where did Raito get that idea!

"I respect your privacy!" 

Raito pointed to the chain then nodded towards the cameras. Okay, he had a point. 

"Anyways, you really deserve to have your own stalker; if I ever needed proof of God, this is it." 

L sighed; this was going to be a long week. 

(On Misa's floor) 

"Oh my god, it's Misa-Misa!" Kyoko stared in wide eyed admiration. 

"Yay, Misa has a room mate! Misa is going to show her the place!" Misa reached out and took Kyoko's hand, dragging her into various rooms and hallways. 

"Wow, Ryuga-kun gave you all this? He's an angel!" 

Misa turned and yanked her hand meanwhile glaring at Kyoko's comment. 

"NO! Ryuzaki is a disgusting pervert monkey man! He takes Misa's Raito away and handcuffs him to himself! Misa can never forgive the gay meanie!" Kyoko gasped. 

"No! Ryuga-kun can't be gay! You're lying; Yagami-chan is the gay pervert!" 

Kyoko slapped Misa across the face. Misa, not enjoying being hit, backhanded Kyoko. Then, an all out slapping fight was unleashed between two love-sick girls. 

(Meanwhile L and Raito are watching the cameras) 

"Should we do something?" Matsuda couldn't stand to watch a good fight. L turned in his chair and looked at him. But Matsuda ignored everyone staring and reached for the phone. 

"Matsuda, do us a favor and don't do anything stupid. This fight is just getting good. Ryuzaki, I have twenty on Misa; what about you?" Raito brought out his betting logbook. L looked back to the fight, trying to gauge who would win. Although it was true Misa had an unusually strong love with Raito-kun, Kyoko looked sturdier. Putting his finger between his lips, he thought a moment before answering. 

"Fifteen on Misa-chan." 

Raito nodded and wrote on the pad. "I can't believe someone called me gay." Raito pulled his hands through his hair. 

"They called me gay too, Raito-kun. He shouldn't be so worked up about it." 

Raito smiled and chuckled. "Yes, but when they say it about you it's slightly more believable." 

That's it. Raito had pushed him over the edge too many times. It was time they finished what they started. His leg went flying straight into Raito's neckm causing him to fall off the chair and pull L to the floor. Raito tried to get back on the chair but L beat him to it and pushed it out of the way. 

"Come on Raito-kun; fight like a man! Oh wait…. That's right- you can't! Ha ha, who's gay now, you homosexual prick!" L sent a kick into his ribs. Seeing an opportunity to place bets and gamble their hearts out, the task force picked up Raito's note-pad. 

"Ten on Ryuzaki!" 

Raito sent a punch into L's ribcage and sent a knee into his groin. Matsuda had to jump out of the way when L came crashing into the place he had previously occupied. 

"Five on Raito!" 

L sent a round house kick into the back of Raito's knees, causing him to crumple.

"This is ridiculous! How can you call yourselves respectable policemen?" Soichiro tried desperately to keep up the police force's honor. 

"Come on Raito! Kick his ass!" 

(Back to our female Spartans) 

"Raito is not GAY!" Misa slapped the shorter girl. 

"Neither is Ryuga-chan!" Kyoko slapped Misa. 

"Yes he is! Misa has known him longer! She would know!" Misa screamed and slapped Kyoko again. 

"Why does Misa talk in third person!" screamed Kyoko. She slapped Misa for good measure. 

"Misa has no idea!" screamed Misa who slapped Kyoko for no reason. 

"The doctors thought Misa never got over the death of her parents!" Kyoko slapped Misa. "I'm very sorry!" screamed Kyoko who slapped Misa again. 

"Why did you slap Misa, you pig?" Misa slapped Kyoko. 

(To the other fighting pair) 

"Ryuzaki, you asshole, I am not gay!" A fist screamed towards L, who ducked. 

"Raito-kun doesn't know what he's talking about!" A kick narrowly missed Raito. 

The taskforce was eagerly cheering for their chosen fighters. Well, except for Soichiro, who refused to participate and was reading a newspaper. Matsuda had given up on L and Raito and turned his attention to Misa and Kyoko, who were really getting nowhere with the slapping. Misa finally punched Kyoko in the stomach and the girl fell to the floor. 

"Hey, uh, guys…?" Raito and L were still trying to rip each other to shreds. 

"What is it, Matsuda? Can't you see Raito-kun and I are a little detained at the moment!" Raito punched Raito in the stomach. 

"Well, they stopped fighting. You know…. Misa and Kyoko. Thought you might be interested," muttered Matsuda. 

L hunched over and moved towards Matsuda, dragging Raito, who was clutching his side. 

"Well that certainly changes things. Who won?" Matsuda looked back to the screen.

"Uh, Misa…. I think." 

L nodded and Raito grinned. Kyoko was slumped on the floor. 

"Knew it! No one can defend Raito's honor quite like Misa can." L elbowed Raito in the ribs. Raito flinched. 

"Oh crap, does this mean I have to go on a date?" Raito looked at Matsuda and L, who shrugged. 

"I'll go on your date for you Raito!" shouted Matsuda eagerly. Here was his chance to go on a date with a model! Of course he wasn't expecting Raito to punch him; well, nobody else was either. Perhaps by some strange miracle Raito had actually grown to care about Misa enough to beat the crap out of Matsuda. 

"Raito-kun, this is incredible! You actually have admitted you had feelings for Misa! Now you two really can get married, as long as I get the cake." L put a finger to his lips; he needed some cake right now. 

"Do you want me to paint your face black and blue like Matsuda here? Besides, I thought I was gay." Raito lifted Matsuda, inspecting his face. He didn't wait for L's answer and dropped Matsuda hastily. 

"Well, to tell the truth, I'm not defending Misa; it's just that Matsuda has to learn his place. He's not exactly ace material, here." He was interrupted by an indignant cry from Matsuda. Raito kicked him in the gut, causing a groan. 

"Matsuda, don't be stupid. Misa would kill you if you tried to date her; _especially_ after that brawl up there." Raito's eyes flicked to the screen and back to Matsuda. 

"Go on your bloody date, then!" shouted Matsuda from his humiliating position on the floor. 

(The Date) 

Misa, Raito, L, and Kyoko regarded each other warily. None of them were in prime condition, especially the men. Raito had a black eye and was busy icing it. L's cheek was purple, not to mention his back was killing him. 

"Misa is so happy that Ryuzaki has a girlfriend! Now we can double date like normal people!" Misa hugged Raito, who flinched. 

"Easy there Misa; Raito-kun isn't at his most durable," stated L softly. 

"What did you do before you double dated?" asked Kyoko. Everyone stared at her; eventually, it was Raito who answered. 

"Trust me; you don't want to know." After five seconds of awkward silence he decided to elaborate. Not that he wanted to remember any it.

"Well, it usually went like this. Ryuzaki over there would eat an excess amount of sugar and make a complete perv of himself. I mean… more than he is usually. Then Misa over here would try to convince me that Ryuzaki is a gay pervert who wants nothing more than having free porn." Questioning glances were thrown his way. 

"Free porn?" 

Raito pointed to the chain. He was getting pretty tired of explaining this story. 

"That's not true! Ryuga-kun is not gay! How can you say that!" Kyoko slapped Raito. 

"Well, if you'd remember…. I never called him a gay hentai; that was Misa. But you have to admit this chain is a little much." 

L raised an eyebrow and snorted. 

"It was a necessary precaution; Raito-kun is, after all, clearly Kira." 

Kyoko gasped. Could it be possible? She knew he was a monster! And to think he might hurt her Ryuga-kun! 

"For the last time, I am not Kira!" screamed Raito. 

L yawned; they'd been over this a million times by now. You'd think he'd realize what he was by now. 

"Yagami-kun can't be in the same room as my Ryuga-kun! He could be killed by this monster!" 

Raito nearly fainted. He could barely deal with L's accusations, but now complete strangers were jumping on the bandwagon. Stupid stereotypes. 

"What the Hell is this! Some sort of white trash T.V. show where they drag in the rapist and his ex-girlfriend!" Raito was sick of these stupid people and their stupid accusations. Well, not that L was stupid- he was just irritating. But Misa with Matsuda had not improved his temper, which had not been great to begin with. Four people in close contact was beginning to take its affect on him. 

"Ryuga-kun, disconnect this chain right now! Yagami-kun is the devil; Ryuga, you can't be next to him! What would I do without you, Ryuga!" The girl started sobbing and going into hysterics. Raito grimaced, but then again this was one way to get the chain off and he'd do anything to get the bloody thing off. 

"Well, I'd say spawn of the devil but she's right. I'm _much_ too evil, Ryuzaki! How can you possibly stand to be near me? Better take off this chain before you burst into flames." 

L put on a very unbecoming frown. Raito's opinion of this girl was improving rapidly; she was going to get the chain off for him. 

"Spawn of the devil?" asked L skeptically. It was a little bit odd for Raito to be calling himself the spawn of the devil when he had refused to believe he was a mass murderer. Well…. A mass murderer with magical powers…. But still… spawn of the devil was a big step. One small step for man, one giant leap for a bored amnesiac tied to a sugar-addicted insomniac. 

"You caught her drift! Off with the chain!" Raito rattled the chain to catch his attention. Kyoko sobbed even more into L's now-soaking wet T-shirt. She was begging him to kill Yagami-kun before he took him away forever. Because _everyone_ knew Raito-kun was trying to seduce him and make it easier to kill him. That's how those kind of people work; they change sexuality on a whim. Or maybe that's bisexual…. Ah well. L sucked at that kind of logic. 

"No, Raito-kun is just being difficult." 

Raito's jaw dropped. "What makes you say that!" said Raito defensively.

"Because if I was in Raito-kun's position I would do the same thing." L sipped some coffee, trying not to spill on the girl sobbing in his lap. He would never understand women or their excessive hormones. 

"You're just saying that." Raito's eyes were defiant. He did have a point; L would never be accused of murdering thousands of people and he definitely would not be hand-cuffed to the detective investigating him. Well…. Not everyone could be original like him; besides! Everything can be solved with a pair of handcuffs! 

"Of course I said it. I'm not telekinetic, Raito-kun." 

Raito smacked his hand to his face. 

(Later that night)

Raito sat glumly on the floor as L typed on his laptop on the bed. This was the usual bed-time scenario- Raito on the floor L on the bed. Of course, Raito refused to sleep on the same bed as L. As if the maniac needed anymore ammunition! So there was nothing particularly weird about this….. But Raito was fed up; he was reaching his limit. Who knew when he'd finally break?

"Ryuzaki, you know how much I'd like to get this thing off… but this girl- she has to go. She's going to drive me insane." 

Typically, L ignored Raito's advice. 

"Right. Whatever. I am going to sleep tonight and you can't stop me! You hear me, asshole? You are not going to convert me to being an insomniac like you!" L shrugged and closed his eyes; he did need some sleep after so much fighting. 

_L was in a field filled with flowers. He looked around, confused. Since when did he dream about flowery fields? There wasn't even any chocolate! Whose cheap-ass idea of a dream was this anyway!_

_Then, chocolate began to rain from the sky and pile up on the ground. L nodded, pleased that his subconscious was not forcing him to stare at flowers for a couple hours. Just when he was about to eat some of the chocolate a loud voice shouted form the heavens. _

"_Ryuga-kun! I love you!" He shuddered. Couldn't he have any peace! The woman was even in his bloody dreams! Maybe this was why Raito hated Misa so much… _

_A giant hand descended from the heavens, dragging him from his humble abode of flowers. L screamed and kicked but it was no use. The hand dragged him down into darkness. Whoever had been messing with his head would be paying big time! _

L's scream caused Raito to turn over and hit the bed's metal frame with his head. L turned to see that his guts were being squeezed out of his body by none other than Kyoko herself. 

"What? Has Kira showed up? Where is he I want to kick his…. Oh, it's uh… what's her face…" said Raito groggily. He obviously wasn't up yet so he fell back on the floor. 

"I couldn't let you be alone with that monster, Ryuga-kun! He could have molested you in your sleep!" Kyoko hugged L even closer. L was gagging- Raito was right! He needed to get rid of this girl _fast_!

"Kyoko-chan, only someone sick and twisted would try to strangle me in my hour of sleep." Kyoko's bear hug cut off L's oxygen supply, making it hard for him to continue.

"I know! Yagami-kun could have strangled you in your sleep! That's why Kyoko came to save you!" 

Raito twitched on the floor. "Hmmm whaza?" 

Was a brain-dead Raito-kun even able to strangle him? L doubted it. 

"I'm not talking about Raito-kun. I'm talking about you." 

Kyoko's bear hug was suddenly released and L could breathe again. "What are you saying, Ryuga?" asked Kyoko, shaking her head back and forth. It couldn't be true! L loved her body and soul! He even told her so, in her dreams at least. 

"I'm saying that Kyoko-chan's percent of being Kira is even higher than Raito-kun's. You could have been trying to get close to me in order to kill me! But I will not take that chance! Mark my words! I will not be played the fool!" There, that sounded dramatic enough. 

"But you said you loved me!" Kyoko was on the verge of tears. 

"No, I didn't. I would never say anything that corny." 

Tears began to spill down her face and onto the bed sheets. It wouldn't be long until they were soaking. 

"How can I prove to you that I'm not Kira! There has to be a way! I know it! Ryuga, please, I can't live without you!" L looked down at Raito and thought of a brilliant idea, one that would rid him of this girl once and for all. 

"Well now that you mention it, there is a way, but it's full of danger and peril beyond your imagination." L lifted a finger to his mouth, now all he had to do was wait. 

"Of course Ryuga! I'll do anything for you!" 

L smiled and gave a thumbs up. "Splendid! Now here's what you have to do…" 

(L's brilliant plan unfolds perfectly) 

Raito looked at the computer screen; he would normally be amused, except he had been staring at the same image for three weeks straight. Sighing, he turned to his handcuffed amigo, who was also watching the screen. 

"Can't you be a little more original? Confinement…. What are you going to do when she finally keels over?"

L looked at the screen, contemplating the percentages of Kyoko finally dying. She was still looking pretty good for being locked up three weeks. She was still a little chubby, slightly shabbier than usual, but overall not as bad as Soichiro had been. 

"Kyoko is stronger than she looks; we won't have to deal with a corpse to soon." 

Raito rolled his eyes. L was avoiding the topic. 

"But you will eventually. You can't keep her in there forever." 

L reached for a cookie. "Yes, I can." 

"No, you can't. It's impossible. Someone will find out." 

"Watch me." 

"Fine! I will!" 

"Good!" 

"Good!" Matsuda rushed into the room waving a paper. 

"Guess what guys! Kyoko can go becau-" L and Raito turned around and shouted at Matsuda simultaneously. 

"Shut up Matsuda!" 

**Author's note: Wow I can't believe I let Misa kick some chubby girl's butt. I think my opinion of her is improving.**

**00**

**Okay so L and Raito are not gay in this in case you're wondering because I can't even write normal fluff, let alone yaoi…. Don't bug me about that! And yes, L really did just leave a girl who worships him in confinement. I am sick of seeing these fics where L falls in love with random people who suddenly appear out of nowhere and magically know everything about him and Raito! It makes me want to tear my hair out! Alright I'm fine now…**

**Please review! I MEAN IT! I need advice or compliments or whatever it is that you have to say! Just spit it out and say it dang it! **

**REVIEW!**

**B/N: And if any of you have any DEFENSES for Mary-sues, feel free to PM me, Skoteinos Metamfiezomai. I'm sure I can set you straight!**


	8. L the vampire

Author's note: Yay L is back and he stars in his own chapter

**Author's note: Yay, L is back and he stars in his own chapter! Without Raito (Well maybe not without Raito…). But he is back! Hooray! Thanks to readers, reviewers, and Beta who is done with NHD WOOT. Remember to curse NHD, people. So has anybody noticed that L looks kind of like a vampire? That's where this idea comes from, just so you know. **

**Beta's Note: This is Skoteinos Metamfiezomai, and I have approved this message. Yay for vampirephiles! **

**Disclaimer: I do not Death Note or Vampires. **

**What if… **

**L was a vampire **

Raito was ignoring the fact that he was chained to his 'best friend.' He was also ignoring the fact that he hated L for some reason he couldn't fathom. Not to mention he ignored Misa as best he could. It was amazing that Raito could ignore everything at once- in fact, he was so busy ignoring everything, he didn't notice stuff that even Matsuda could pick up.

"Hey, have you guys noticed how Ryuzaki never sleeps, or goes outside, or eats normal food, or gains weight, or-" Matsuda was cut off in the middle of his ranting by Aizawa, who had not left yet.

"Yes, we know Ryuzaki is a freak! Get over it and do something useful!" Aizawa struck Matsuda angrily with a rolled-up newspaper. Raito put on a pair of sunglasses and pretended to work while trying to sneak some sleep.

"Has anyone seen my sunglasses? I just bought some and now they're gone." Crap. There went Raito's sleep. It was just like Matsuda said; L didn't sleep. He had to be some sort of robot who was bent on Raito's destruction. And the cake rebooted his system and gave him super strength! It explained everything!

"Uh, here are the glasses. I wanted to look good while I looked up info." Raito grinned weakly. He could have done better, but unfortunately for him he had Robot-Ryuga on his mind.

"You were sleeping, weren't you."

"No, damn it, I do my work just like everyone else!"

The group stared at him then went back to shuffling papers to look busy. L suddenly turned, eye twitching and holding a mug of empty tea.

"Where the hell is my sugar?!" L spoke in a dark tone that would send most criminals to the nice-looking rope. Raito blinked; had Watari taken the sugar away from L? It wasn't possible, but someone wanted to see L starve more than Raito did.

"Have you checked behind the fridge? Everything ends up there."

L's eyes darkened. "Three times, and twice under my bed. Where the hell is my sugar?!" The tea cup handle broke off and shattered at L's feet.

"It's got to be around here somewhere." _'Unless he ate it.' _No use thinking that; if that was the case L would murder the police force before Kira did.

"I want my sugar, now!" L kicked the shards of the tea cup at the task force members.

"We'll find it, maybe." Raito yawned; he was so tired. He hadn't slept in three days, he needed sleep very badly. He was tired. And needed sleep. Shuteye. His systems needed to reboot, he hadn't slept in three days….

And now he was thinking in circles.

L jumped out of the seat, stepping on glass as he ran and dragged Raito behind him. Raito normally would be pissed, but as it was he was ignoring L and he was damn tired.

After running up two flights of stairs (L thought elevators were too slow) and dragging Raito, who had lost the ability to run behind him, he reached Misa's floor.

"Oh, God L, please, no! I can't handle this right now!" Well, he couldn't handle it anytime, really, but especially when he couldn't think correctly. L kicked open the door using his super-robot-sugar-energy-legs.

"Misa, where the hell is my sugar!" No suffixes- man, he was pissed. Misa blinked and looked up from her magazine and then immediately brightened at the sight of her bruised and bloodied boyfriend. She ran to hug him, but L stopped her by shoving her onto a couch.

"Tell anything you know or the boy gets it!"

When had he become the boy?

"No, don't hurt Misa's idol!" screamed Misa, attempting to reach Raito.

"Seriously, L, don't hurt me." Raito glanced up, slightly worried by the look in L's eyes. That was the look he got when he was… What was he doing anyway?

"I'm not afraid to go to drastic measures to get the information I want! Now spill!" He grabbed one of Misa's magazines and attempted to give Raito a paper cut.

"Ryuzaki? What are you doing?"

L continued to swipe the paper against Raito's neck. Damn, this always worked in the films! "I'm giving you a paper cut, screw it!" L tossed the Magazine at Misa and settled for gripping Raito's neck in a strangle hold.

"L, loosen the grip, would you. I need to breathe!" Raito gagged and coughed- L loosened his grip.

"I'm waiting, Misa." Misa blinked back tears and reached for Raito. Oh, God, this was going to be one of those dorky soap opera love triangle moments where the heroine makes has to choose between two people. Well, no doubt about whom she would pick.

"Okay, Misa stole the sugar! Misa wanted some more time with Raito and with Ryuzaki out of the way Raito would be all hers!" L dropped Raito and lunged for Misa.

"DIE WHORE!" Raito attempted to get up but the floor was so soft and he was so tired… It wouldn't hurt to lie there for a little bit.

Raito fell asleep on the floor. L kicked Misa in the side, sending her onto the floor. Stupid broad stole his sugar, she should die! He picked Misa up for another punch but she was limp in his arms. Dang, he must've knocked her out.

"WHY?!" L shook Misa before dropping her on the floor.

(L's not the terminator)

After L's sugar withdrawal slash freak out, he and Raito attempted to get back to work. Except L was still pissed and Raito was still tired, so it didn't turn out too great.

"How did you know Misa stole your sugar anyways?"

L glared at the computer monitor. "I could smell it."

Raito nodded and yawned, probably not aware of his actions.

"Could Raito-kun not yawn? It's pissing me off." Raito shook his head and closed his eyes. He needed sleep.

"Ryuga? Are you some sort of a robot?"

L blinked. "No? Is Raito-kun okay?"

Raito nodded sluggishly.

"I mean like the kick ass Terminator robot."

L gave him a strange look and typed something on the computer. "Not to my knowledge."

But Raito was already asleep and snoring. Time to do something interesting.

(The sugar massacre)

Raito woke up in the bed that he normally didn't get to sleep in, but that wasn't what pissed him off. Nor it was the fact that he was chained to the bed post _again_.

"Damn him!" All he wanted was a good night's sleep, and what does L do? He ditches and forces him to stay in bed until he remembered that he forgot his tea, and then he might leave him here anyway, saying that if Raito wanted sleep so bad he should take advantage of the situation now. What kind of a heartless bastard says that?!

"I will kill him! No, I'll do worse than that first I'll cut off his fingers then I'll cut off his toes! Then I'll drown him in Misa's pepper spray!" Raito reached for a heavy object he could use to break the chain. But all objects were out of reach and he was stuck.

So instead Raito opted to sit as patiently as he could and wreak havoc on the detective later. After some more sleep.

Meanwhile the task force was downstairs looking at the horror that can only be called the Sugar Massacre. Sugar cubes were scattered across the room like autumn leaves. Broken candy canes adorned every clear surface and shrunken jelly doughnuts oozed from the rafters.

"My God…" Sochiro picked up one of the broken hard candies in his hand. "What kind of a sick monster could do this?" said Sochiro with a sad dignity.

L walked into the room licking his finger tips to remove any evidence of sugar splurging. "I would prefer to see my task force working rather than staring at discarded calories."

The team jumped at the sound of L's voice. "Ryuzaki, we are so sorry! We just got here… and it was like _this_!" Matsuda pleaded with L to save the task force from some unimaginable punishment. But L just shrugged.

"It's only sugar; we still have to catch Kira."

The room went silent.

"Who are you and what have you done with L?"

(L the sugar vampire and Raito the Asian Van Hellsing)

L walked into the room, remembering the candy cane he had forgotten in his sugar ravishment last night. When he walked in he realized he forgot something else as well, something he'd much rather leave alone.

"Hello Raito-kun. What are you doing on the bed still?" Raito glared at him. This would be tricky.

"Unchain me now." He sounded a little less forgiving than what L had hoped, but he would still have to be unchained.

"Of course. Raito-kun needs to get some work in."

He unchained Raito and dodged the teen's pathetic attempt at a tackle. Where was he when the P.E. teachers taught foot ball?

"I'll kill you, L, I will f'ing kill you!"

Oh, crap, he sounded pissed.

"Why would Raito-kun do that unless he really is Kira?" Hopefully that little jibe would distract him from the 'I will kill you' statement.

A fist flew past L's head which he narrowly managed to dodge. Right, time to stop him before things got serious. If this went any further, L might have to bring on the Capoeira!

"Raito-kun, I'm very sorry I left you here. I was a little out of sorts yesterday."

"You better have a damn good excuse."

Well, a little bit of lying never hurt anyone. "You see Raito-kun I'm a vampire." He could practically see Raito's disbelief. Raito was tired though so he might be able to pull it off.

"Right. And I am a fairy. Please, Ryuzaki, we both know that your head belongs on a stick."

Ouch. "No, it's true. See my pale countenance? And the dark eyes? No other explanation fits."

"Being whiter than an albino suddenly makes you a vampire? Does that mean I'm some sort of Greek god?"

Raito wasn't tired enough yet to believe it; maybe if L drugged his cereal it would work better.

"All albinos and pale people are really vampires; it's a secret society that we've kept secret from humans for centuries. You know abortion clinics? Those are our headquarters."

"No wonder people keep trying to burn them down! Crazy albino blood suckers could be the death of us all." Raito raised his hands sarcastically.

"But humans remain ignorant of our true nature and continue about their lives."

"And you drink blood? Last I saw, you only vacuumed sugar into your blood stream."

There went his conspiracy theory. "You don't understand, Raito-kun! I used to be addicted to human blood, until I discovered the alternative- high amounts of sugar. If I eat sugar at least twenty three hours of the day then I will not eat human blood." Raito nodded and clapped.

"Congratulations, Ryuzaki. You've officially beat my little sister in the worst excuses."

"It is no excuse; I am damned to eat my weight in sugar every day. It is a very serious dilemma that leaves me thin and anorexic." L gave Raito a dead serious look that would have Matsuda believing him instantly and taking him to an abortion clinic.

"Are you after Misa's record of being overly persistent in some idiot theory she heard on Oprah?"

"I am a vampire whether Raito-kun chooses to believe it or not."

(L the vampire's secret is revealed)

Raito and L walked into the computer room the next day with slightly more gusto than usual. L had his lie to keep up and Raito had to prove L was a liar.

The team was working at shuffling their papers making it look like they were doing something important (let's face it- Raito and L do all the work) while trying to sneak peeks at Misa through the giant screens.

Raito walked straight up to his father. L cringed what was he doing?

"Father." Raito sighed and looked around the room.

"Raito, is there something you're not telling me?"

Raito nodded grimly. "Yes father, it's about Ryuzaki."

The room went eerily quiet and all paper shuffling ceased. Meaning everyone was listening for Raito's confession that he had the hots for the detective.

"Is he all right?" Sochiro glanced at L warily, who was trying to figure out what Raito was trying to do.

"Ryuzaki has to go to the nearest abortion clinic as soon as possible; he's late." L wanted to crawl into a hole and die right then. Sochiro's jaw dropped.

"Raito what are you saying?!" Raito looked away then back again.

"L told me something very important last night and he needs to go to an abortion clinic now."

Sochiro just stared at his son in growing horror.

"But isn't L a guy?" asked Matsuda who then realized that he had forgotten to shuffle his papers.

"Yes, but he still needs to go. He had a bit of a mishap and now he must go before it's too late." L kicked the back of Raito's knees in order to get him to shut up without success.

"Did you use… protection?" Sochiro coughed uncomfortably.

"There is no protection for Ryuzaki's curse." L felt the team's eyes on the back of his head.

"What are you going to tell Misa?"

"The same thing I'm telling you."

"Well. Raito, you should know that your mother and I fully support you despite your… preference and will be there for you," mumbled Sochiro, trying not to look shaken by his son's words.

"Thank you father, but what the hell are you talking about?"

Sochiro nearly fell out of his seat. "Raito, we were talking about you and Ryuzaki doing… You know…." Sochiro coughed and clicked his pen.

"Doing what?" Raito's face darkened.

"Um, you and Ryuzaki having… sex." He muttered the last part but it was loud enough for Raito to catch.

"We what?!" Raito screamed.

"Well I just assumed that… you know… he was…." He looked from L to Raito and back again.

"Pregnant." Raito instantly lost the entire cool he had possessed during the conversation.

"You thought what?! Are you even aware of how sexual intercourse works! You idiot!"

L looked back to Raito who looked about to punch his father.

"Then why do you want to go to an abortion clinic?" The team was now completely confused.

"Because L is a freaking vampire and he wants to go to a freaking abortion clinic! God, why shouldn't we go to the damn baby killers?! If he wants to go, damn it, he should!" Raito was so intent on criticizing his father that he forgot to sound sarcastic.

"A vampire?!" Sochiro gave L a wary look then nodded. "My God, it makes perfect sense!" said Sochiro in a moment of truth.

"Yeah, he never sleeps!"

"And he's so pale."

"How could we not see it before?"

"Wait, you actually think he's a vampire?" questioned Raito, immediately suspicious of the task force's IQ.

"Of course! It makes perfect sense! It explains everything!"

L smiled; victory was his.

"But that's stupid."

"Raito-kun should believe me like everyone else."

Raito blinked. "But that's stupid."

(Vampire hunters arrive at L's castle)

L the vampire continued to eat his sugar while Raito continued to think about the maximum intelligence the task force had ever reached.

Life was normal again. At least, as normal as investigating Kira could get. But somehow word had slipped out of L being an inhuman-sugar-eating-vampire. Probably when a guy started showing up at abortion clinics every Sunday.

Eventually, vampire hunters started showing up at the Headquarters, hunting down the last remaining vampire. And it only took a little while before one of them made it through security.

The man was wearing one of those muscle shirts that clearly showed off his biceps and pecks, strapped to his back were massive machine guns that looked lethal in the unnatural lighting.

"I'm here to kill the monster that terrorizes the villagers!" The team stared at him in confusion. Meanwhile, L tried to remain inconspicuous and not have a stak driven through his internal organs.

"Where is the monster?!" The task force remained silent, either not understanding the thick German accented English… or choosing not to answer.

Then he noticed Raito and grinned.

"Time to die, leech!"

Raito blinked. "Wait what?!"

The man advanced towards Raito, leaving him just enough time to duck out of the way before he was pinned by muscle man.

"What are you doing?!"

"Only an incredibly evil person can be so beautiful and brainy at the same time! Not to mention you look like a European when you were born and raised in Japan!" The man un-slung his machine gun and fired a bullet at the place where Raito's head had been seconds before.

"While I am flattered, I have to say that you're an idiot." The man sneered and squeezed the trigger to fire another bullet.

Just then Raito's nifty saved-at-last-minute-by-some-mysterious-possibly-death-god-force-luck kicked in and caused a light fixture to fall on the muscle man and kill him. Once again we have the faint feeling that someone really likes Raito a lot… until Near showed up, that is.

Mogi and Aizawa went to drag the body and throw it off the roof onto the other vampire hunters/fan girls.

When everyone was out of the room Raito instantly relaxed but then realized that L was biting his arm.

"L, why are you biting my arm?"

L looked up from his chewing. "I don't know. Raito-kun's arm looked like a candy cane." He went back to chewing.

"Seriously, you can stop the biting now."

L just kept on chewing.

"Get off my freaking arm, you damn perverted freak!" He shook his arm about wildly in the hopes to get the detective off before he gave him rabies.

L immediately let go of Raito's arm backed off and coughed.

"That was payback for the abortion comment."

Raito nodded and rubbed his aching arm. Did the bastard break skin?!

(3 months later)

Two pale men sat in an abortion clinic on a Sunday. Among a bunch of pregnant women they looked slightly out of place, but that didn't bother them. In fact, if anything they both looked slightly depressed and angry.

No one would recognize Raito if they saw him there. His hair was slightly darker and his eyes had turned a golden color. He also was eating sugar like a pregnant woman… but despite that he still attracted mass amounts of fan girls. Except now, he also attracted vampire fangirls too making it nearly impossible to leave head quarters.

"I can't believe you were actually a vampire," muttered Raito.

"I don't believe it either, Raito-kun." L looked darkly at the éclair that he had gotten at a nearby bakery.

"So you were just fluffing it. It just happened to be true."

L nodded sadly. "I can not tell a lie, even when I want to."

"That sucks." L nodded again.

"Why don't you and I screw this meeting thing or whatever and burn this place to the ground?" Raito grinned at the thought of the burning building; once a pyro, always a pyro.

"Nah… it would be more useful if we went to the bakery and used our combined deductive abilities to search for Kira."

"That just means we're going to ear sugar."

L nodded and the two stayed still daring the other to move first. Then they both sighed and remained seated.

**Author's note: Okay, I had to do the abortion clinic because it was just priceless, I've been so freaked out by mpreg fics of L or Raito. In fact I'm making a promise that I will never ever do an mpreg. **

**Reviews are wanted, needed, and loved dearly. (That means you click the review button and tell me what you think) **


	9. L gets the chicken pox

**Author's note: Okay, this was idea was submitted by someone who actually REVIEWED!! Remember, if you review and suggest something I may end up using it! So thank you Tater2628 (reviewer actually changed their name that was their name when they reviewed) for the idea I'm going to use. Also, thanks to my readers and reviewers… and my beta of course. I'm not going to even bother typing out my beta's pen name anymore. I'm done with that. Yeah…**

**Beta's Note: --glares sullenly-- Um, soo….. **_**Someone **_**got their dates mixed up for when the annotated bibliography for the history project was due…. --glares at Carny-- I was up until past midnight actually WORKING yesterday, so I may have missed glaringly obvious mistakes.**

**Disclaimer: For the last time, I DON'T OWN DEATH NOTE!! If you people think I do, then you are seriously deluded. Oh, and I don't own any movies or movie sequels I make fun of. HA movie bashing. **

**What if…**

**L got chicken pox and everyone ditched, leaving Raito to work with the sick detective (Oh gad, this sounds like a crappy soap opera) **

Headquarters was Raito's new home; after being practically kidnapped by his best friend he had come to live there. It was okay for the most part. Huge building: good, high tech equipment: good, but… being chained to your best friend 24/7: not good.

"For the last time, Ryuzaki! I am not sleeping in the same bed as you!! What if you have AIDS or something?! I could die! Am I supposed to risk my life for a night of comfort?" Who knows- maybe you _could_ get AIDS from sleeping in the same bed as someone else! (Raito fell asleep during the Sex Ed video).

"Raito-kun, I never said we were sleeping in the same bed. I said 'sleep on the floor beyatch.' I never said 'share my bed', as much as you might wish I had. Freak." L probably needed more sleep than he said- he had been getting really grumpy lately.

"Why does everyone think I'm gay?!" shouted Raito.

"Because we all know it's true."

Raito threw a pillow at L's face. He was too tired for a fist fight; staying up thirty-six hours straight was not good for the human body.

After a couple pillow throws Raito passed out from fatigue on the bed. Of course, L was pissed but he couldn't wake him up.

"Raito-kun! Get up, you lazy cow! Don't steal my bed, it's _my bed_! Get off! Freaking whore!" Despite all the pushing and shoving, nothing could wake him up. So L did what any normal person does; he chained Raito to the bed and left via the door.

"Watari, I'm going out make sure the murderer doesn't escape his prison. Oh, and make sure Matsuda doesn't do anything stupid," said L, passing Watari on the way out of the building.

"Sure thing, Ryuzaki."

(L's night out)

L walked through the mall at about three am looking at some lovely if not overly priced Christmas items in January. That's how messed up the shopping industries are. Then he found it; the Mecca of all candy stores. 'Frankie Fudgesicles Fudgelicious Fudge shop of absolute Fantasmic Fudgeyness of Fudge'. (Did we mention they have fudge?) L walked in with wide eyes. He was in heaven; wait, no. In heaven, Raito would be in confinement.

"But mommy, I wanna candy bar!" screamed a little girl covered in red bumps.

"Honey, maybe when you're better." The little girl screamed and thrashed about. _Damn_ she wanted that candy.

"But I really want it!"

"No, honey." The mom looked around, a faint blush on her cheeks.

"But _mommy_!" shouted the little girl, instantly creating a scene.

"No, honey!"

"NOOOOOOO!" shouted the little girl. Crying, she thrashed about, knocking down several stacks of candy. So L, being the naïve twit that he is, decided to interfere with the crying child (remember, people: never stop a screaming toddler with force, even if you really want to) and gave her a kick in the shins. The girl decided to bite L's forearm.

"Gah! She bit me! The freaking toddler bit me!" Then the mom hit him across the cheek with a purse and he was kicked out of the store.

"Nooooooo! My candy! Why can't I get my candy?!" sobbed L. Feeling rejected he decided to go back to headquarters and make sure Matsuda hadn't done anything stupid. If he _had_ done something stupid L could rip on him for it. Score.

(Back at headquarters)

"Where is that son of a bitch Ryuzaki! I'm going to kill him, I swear I will! I don't CARE if he says I'm Kira! This is it; I am not his freaking sex slave!" Nobody could hear the chained teen's screams and curses. Raito was still bound to the bed, and no one had bothered to unlock him. _'Damn that insomniac detective to the deepest pit of hell!' _

L walked into the room and Raito smiled victoriously; now he could finally beat the crap out of him!

"Finally! You took your time! I've been stuck here for five freaking hours. FIVE _FREAKING_ HOURS!!" Raito kicked L's shins. But the detective just ignored him and sat down on the bed, scratching his neck absently.

"Don't ignore me! Come and unlock me and fight like a man!" L just started to scratch his arm instead.

"Everyone left for vacation today, as soon as I walked in. Even Watari."

"Oh, really good for them. NOW UNLOCK THE CHAIN!!" L ignored Raito and scratched his wrist.

"But it was only when they saw me that they left." Raito sighed.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Fighting aside for the moment Raito allowed himself to feel worried about everyone ditching the two of them. That's when L turned towards him.

"Oh my god! You look hideous, and you're covered indisgusting little red bumps!" L gave him a deadpanned look.

"Thank you for the wonderful insight, but I already knew that." Raito tried to control the horror on his face, but… this was just too horrible. Everyone had ditched him and left him with L! _'No! This can not be happening to me!' _

"Well, looks like you either developed an allergic reaction to sugar or you have the chicken pox. Personally, I think you're allergic to chocolate and sugar. Better stop eating it." L looked at Raito.

"I've never had the chicken pox before."

"Well, duh, you can only have it once. But remember, you're allergic to chocolate. You might as well commit suicide now."

"No, I think it's the chicken pox," countered L. Whatever. The detective could think what he wanted.

"Fine; be that way. Let's try to make you less red-looking." L was in a sorry state with red bumps appearing randomly on his skin.

(Raito the doctor)

"Okay, so I've heard that for chicken pox you bathe in 'The chocolate bunny's eggs'. So get in the freaking tub and take your freaking bath in some freaking sugar-o's." Raito shoved L into the bathroom before he could get Raito sick too. He hated sick people; he nearly died when he was dragged to the hospital for charity caroling.

"Don't you mean oatmeal?"

"Yeah, but your unusual appetite for sugar must help your immune system or something… so bathing in it should get you healthy faster." Raito slammed the door in L's face.

"But Raito-ku-" Raito opened the door and pointed at the tub.

"Sugar bath NOW!!" L shut the door without a word. Raito was scary when he was stressed.

L set up the bath and poured in the chocolate cereal. He stared in horror- it looked _disgusting_! Most people might say that L was a disgusting hobo who had no personal hygiene ('most people' being Raito and Misa) but he knew when things were icky. And that bath was icky. He carefully put a foot in and shuddered. He could get through this… then he would have his revenge! Chicken pox would curse the day it took L as his victim!

Meanwhile, Raito took the few moments of freedom to watch some stupid program with Ryuga Hideki. It looked like the stupid movie about some teenage heart-throb that sings and dances his little heart out in a freaking musical to impress some nerdy hot chick that has no will of her own. (High School Musical, in case you're wondering). Raito hated normal musicals, but this was about as brain damaging as L singing Christine's part in Phantom of the Opera.

What the hell was the insomniac doing in there?! He'd been in there toooo long….

L sat in a sea of chocolate pebbles, ignoring the brown water around him and the itchiness of his skin. It was so itchy he just needed to scratch it once.

"What's taking you so damn long?!" Raito's shout reverberated into the bathroom. Really, sometimes he could be _so_ rude.

"I'd like to see Raito-kun fare half as well!" L poked a pebble with his foot. Was this junk even edible? He sincerely doubted it. Time to update his to do list. Catch Kira, beat Raito at tennis, Sue Pebble-o's, and kill the chicken pox. Yup, looked like he was good. He scratched his forearm again.

Suddenly, a crash resounded from inside the room outside. What the deuce? A few more crashes and a couple curses came from the room opposite. Not to mention laughter; perhaps the lack of sleep had finally caught up to Raito. Note to self: force Raito to sleep on the floor.

Sighing, he got up and wiped off the sugar demons stuck to his body and wrapped himself in a towel. Who knows what disaster awaited him in the opposite room?

Raito stood with a smashed lamp in his hand. Blood dripped from his fingers on the floor, staining the carpet a lovely crimson. His eyes danced in the sheer prospect of some idea unknown to L. Oh, and the T.V. was smashed into a million pieces beyond repair.

"DIE, TROY!! HA HA! SEE YOU IN HELL!" L looked from Raito to the T.V. Who was Troy?

"Erm, Raito-kun did you really need to kill the T.V?" Raito looked up with a bored expression.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist."

(Watari's vacation)

Watari sat on a beach in Hawaii drinking a strawberry smoothie wearing a typical tourist Hawaiian T-shirt. This was the life. Not that he didn't like L, but he could be a little wearisome after a while. And after a very long time, he couldn't take it anymore. It was time for a break. Of course, there was the fact that Ryuzaki had gotten sick, and there was no way that he was going to care for the brat.

Yup, this was the life.

(Raito and L fight boredom in an epic battle)

L and Raito sat on a couch trying to think of ways to kill time. L was in no condition to work on the case, especially since according to him Kira had sent him this vile disease. So they had decided to instead watch one of Misa's movies.

"What's this one called?" After several hours of arguing over a film, they had finally decided on one that was slightly less girly.

"Raito-kun, you may recall we decided on the movie Jaws VII: The Revenge of the Revenge of the Killer Fish with Gills." (Do I have to say what I'm going off of?)

"There's a seventh Jaws?" L scratched his neck and Raito slapped his fingers.

"It would seem so, Raito-kun." L scratched his leg with his foot, receiving another finger slap from the ruler of death.

"Where did Raito-kun get the ruler?!" Raito slapped L's fingers again. What could he say? It was the best fun he'd had in years.

"It's my ruler I can do what I want with it!" L scooted away from the wrath of the ruler, and put the movie in the DVD player. Skipping through the credits, the two sat in silence and watched with slightly bored expressions.

"_In a world filled with big fish, there is one terror that has never been relieved. The demon of the sea only known by the name of JAWS!!" _

"Wow, I can almost feel the terror." Raito sighed and dropped his head. He could just feel his brain cells committing suicide.

_The usual Jaws theme kicked in and showed a great expanse of the ocean. Finally, it zoomed in on a couple of teenagers near a dock. _

"Let me guess. They're going on a boat for the day but get stranded… and two of them have sex. Not to mention there's a killer shark on the loose. Hooray." L gave him a deadpanned stare. _'Are we having fun yet?' _

"_Dude, let's totally take your dad's boat without permission and go and drink beer despite the evil shark on the loose." The boy had the stereotypical surfer boy tan and pecs most likely picked for his looks and not his acting. _

"_Yeah! It's not like we'll be eaten!" _

"So says _you_ fools. Okay, I'm done now. I really want them to die." Raito reached for the lamp. L whacked his fingers with the ruler.

"Ack, you hypocrite! What was that for?!" L pointed to the T.V.

"We only have one television left, Raito-kun. I don't want Misa hanging out with you during our working sessions." Raito nodded.

(Things that Raito Yagami hates)

**Hypocrites**

**Sweets**

**Criminals**

**Musicals**

**Blondes**

**Bad fan fiction (Gulp) **

**Being chained to another person**

(Things that L hates)

**Criminals **

**Bitter things**

**Kira**

**Musicals **

**Misa**

**Socks**

(Raito and L need help)

Watari's cell phone rang unexpectedly and woke him from his tanning session. Damn. He thought he told no one to call him at this number!

"Hello?" Watari rubbed his eyes. What time was it anyways?

"_Watari, Raito-kun and I are in a bit of a predicament…" _

"_A BIT?! What the hell have you been looking at?!" _Damn, L needed help. Leave your work to a teenage boy and what do you get?

"Listen, boys I'm sure you can take care of it."

"_Oh, so he says we can take care of it. Hmmmmm tell him: HELL NO WE CAN'T!" There was a bit of arguing in the background. _

"_Well, we would appreciate the advice." _Oh crap. There went his vacation.

"Go on."

"_Raito-kun and I got into a fight and I accidently smashed him into a mirror and caused quite a bit of blood to get on the carpet-" Raito interrupted. _

"_To hell with your bloody carpet!" screamed the boy. _Oh, dear God! How much blood was 'quite a bit'?

"_And then he passed out and he regained consciousness recently, but I really didn't want to take him to the hospital due to the risk of exposing myself." _

"_I COULD DIE, YOU ASSHOLE!" L ignored the teen's screaming. _

Okay, so Raito could end up dying because L had smashed him into a mirror. Brilliant. Whatever. It wasn't his problem.

"Sorry. I'm on vacation right now, so why don't you two figure this out on your own." He hung up on the two boys. Good riddance.

(Back with the boys)

"He hung up," said L in shock. Watari had NEVER hung up on him.

"Oh, goody, so are _you_ going to do the stitches… or is the chair?" Raito was lying on the floor next to the ever growing stain of red. L was starting to panic; he had no medical experience whatsoever, but he couldn't go to a hospital.

"It's okay. I knew you were going to kill me one of these days… I just didn't think you'd smash me into a mirror." L went pale. Oh God, he'd mess up and leave Raito dead. How would he get rid of the body?!

No, he can't think like that, not now!

"Raito-kun you won't die, for I will do the stitches!"

"That's it. I'm dead."

(Everyone returns)

"We're back, Ryuzaki. We came as soon said you were better." Matsuda and the rest of the team walked in. L nodded and sipped his tea. Watari had come back a day before with plenty of useless souvenirs that would no doubt be sold in some future garage sale. Thank God the chicken disease was gone- he felt like a normal person again.

"Ryuzaki, where is Raito?" Oh crap, explanation time.

"He didn't feel like moving." The team stared at him.

"He didn't what?"

"Feel like moving."

Watari had rushed to Raito as soon as he had gotten back… a little too late. L had done some stitches.

"Ryuzaki, did you use any antithetic?"

"No."

"You could have killed him!" He probably did, from the look of it. Wait, no. Raito's finger twitched

"Raito-kun can handle it."

"That's it. You leave and watch T.V." L stayed put and sighed.

"The television also had a little mishap."

"What did you smash IT into a mirror too?" L grinned sheepishly.

"No, Raito-kun smashed it with a lamp. I smashed him into a mirror, only he's slightly less durable than a television." The heap that used to be the television sat in the far side of the room. That's it! He would never leave these two alone again!

And so Watari stitched up Raito and wrapped up the various wounds, making sure he was out of the way of all cameras and equipment. His father would never forgive L if he saw Raito like this.

But with the task force's luck, it was Misa who found Raito first, and hugged him to death! Well, close to death. She nearly got there, but Watari saved the day again. And so, Raito vowed that as soon as he was free of this hell hole he would become a complete asshole towards Misa.

And that's what happened; creepy how he kept his word.

**Author's note: Okay here come the apologies**

**I'm sorry to any emo kids I offended: smashing mirrors is a fine way to live.**

**I'm sorry to any High School Musical lovers: I just hate it.**

**I'm sorry to any Jaws sequel lovers: it's not my fault the sequels suck.**

**I'm sorry to anyone who likes Misa: Raito is an asshole to her.**

**And most importantly: I'm sorry L can't do stitches, and so is Raito.**

**Remember to review; sorry to all of you who wasted your time. (Did the last scenario/chapter make sense to anyone besides me?) **


	10. Welcome to Animal Crossing pt I

Author's note: I have no idea where this idea came from

**Author's note: I have no idea where this idea came from. I think. Well, maybe not…. Was it my annoyance at Maximum Ride? Probably, but that has absolutely nothing to do with the story. Thanks to my Beta and readers and reviewers; you all get cookies.**

**Note—this is based off of the game cube version of Animal Crossing, not the DS version (not that there's much of a difference). Also note that the quotes from the game will not be completely accurate because a) It's funnier if I make up what they say and b) I'm not suffering through Animal Crossing just for the amusement of my readers. If you have a problem with any of the above, I don't care because said disagreement clearly proves that you have no life. **

**B/N: I like(d) Animal Crossing until I read this. There's a random asterisk in their because mid-piece A/N's are unprofessional. If that isn't an ironic statement then I'm pregnant with the grandchild of Light and L. Anyways, CTRL-F the asterisk at the bottom when you get to that point in the story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or Animal crossing. **

**Warning: Spoilers (again) **

**What if… **

**Mu was really Animal Crossing (a long shot at best; I know) **

Raito felt sore.

That was an understatement. A major understatement. To be honest, he felt like he had been crushed by a semi-truck, then run over by a herd of six ton elephants just to add to the pain he was feeling. To add additional discomfort, his back was killing him.

Dear God, what had happened?!

Oh. Wait. Matsuda had shot him three times, once in the hand. Then he had had a heart attack. Sounded like a pleasant day for Raito… a very pleasant day indeed.

So that left one question: Where the hell was he now? Raito opened his eyes and looked around.

He appeared to be on some sort of a train, and seated around him were what appeared to be cute, fuzzy animals. Raito tried to remember if he had taken LSD lately—he didn't _think_ he had, but then again, the fuzzy animals were really pushing the hallucination factor. _Really _pushing it.

Trying to ignore the other passengers and the pain in his body, he looked out the window to see the blur of street lights. Just when he was getting to the point where he could forget that he was sitting in front of a freaking panda, a tabby cat walked down the aisle and sat in across from him.

_How bloody convenient. _

"Hey there, kiddo. Can I sit down here?" said the cat. Said was a bit of a loose term—what he heard was a jumble of noise that could only have been made by a gerbil high on helium. How he knew what the munchkin cat 'said' was beyond his knowledge.

"Hell no, Fluffy. Get your own seat." That's what Raito had intended to say, but instead he just said a simple no. It appeared he could only use one syllable answers when talking to the cat.

The cat sat down anyways, remarking on how rude he was acting.

Screw the cat—he was _dead_! He could be rude if he wanted to the cat be damned!?

"So where are you going, anyways?" asked the cat.

Raito blinked. He hadn't assumed that he was going anywhere; he was supposed to be in Mu right now. Damn Ryuk; he had probably lied!

"Away From You," muttered the murderer with an exasperated tone. The cat still grinned at him with that freaking huge smile.

"Hey, I know someone going to that place! Yay! You'll have a friend!" The cat seemed overjoyed at the news of his neighbor having a neighbor. Raito, on the other hand, was ready to shoot himself.

"Dear God. That sounds like a heluva lot of fun," Raito muttered with a forced smile; his fists were clenched at his side as he repressed the urge to punch the cat to death.

"Oh, it's the best! You'll love 'Away From You!' It's the best town ever!" The cat paused and did something funny with his face—Raito believed it to be a frown. "Oh… I forgot to ask your name." The cat grinned and stared at him, waiting for an answer to the sort-of question.

"My name?" The cat just kept on staring at him, and staring at him, and staring at him….

Finally, Raito lost it and shouted his name at the cat, "Raito Yagami!" The cat grinned and closed his eyes briefly.

"You like that name?" asked the cat.

Did Raito mention he hated the cat with all of his heart? "Ummm, sure.… It's great…." Raito shifted towards the aisle, looking for anyone else he could sit next too. ANYONE else.

All the other seats were occupied.

_Damn! I wish I had my Death Note. I could give this damn cat the true meaning of justice! A heart attack! Can cats have heart attacks? Well they can now!_

"Cute name for a girl."

Raito closed his eyes again, imagining himself taking a spork and gouging out the cat's eyes one by one, then forcing him to eat them. "For the last time… I am freaking straight! Do you hear me, yaoi fangirls? I am straight! And no matter how many times you think I might, I never _ever _will sleep with L! Got that!?" He fought to keep the blood-lust out of his voice and expression, which proved to be a difficult task with the cat right in front of him.

"Whoa. Sorry, didn't mean to ruin your week." The gerbil-cat went on another long winded rant about his cousin or something.

Raito's eye twitched. _'Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP! Will somebody please shut up this freaking cat!'_

"That's very… interesting." Raito's eye twitched again. He was barely containing his anger now. Not that he could help it; this cat could turn Mother Theresa into Hannibal Lector.

"Hey why are you moving to 'Away From You,' anyways?"

"How the hell should I know?! Mind your own freaking business and get out of my life!" The cat seemed undaunted and just sat there and continued to grin. Light was in Hell; he was sure of it.

"No need to be mean. Gosh. Do you have any money? Because if you're going to buy a house, you need to have money. It's bad to steal houses."

"Why am I buying a house?" Raito didn't understand this at all. It was almost as if someone was writing a one-sided conversation for him.

"You're moving to 'Away From You.' That's what you said," replied the cat. Oddly enough, the cat didn't seem bothered by Raito at all.

"I am?" Raito couldn't remember saying that he was moving somewhere, especially one with a name so cheesy.

"So how much money do you have?" _Damn this cat to Hell. _Raito wanted to strangle him.

"I have no freaking idea. Now I suggest you move out of this compartment and sit next to that fatass panda!" Raito's voice grew dark and menacing and his eyes burned with hatred. Only five minutes and he already wanted to commit homicide.

"So you don't have any money. I know! I can talk to this guy I know—his name is Tom Nook and he runs this shop. He can get you a dirt cheap house! He might even be able to get you a job!" The cat seemed honestly excited about the prospect of getting Raito a job from Tom Nook. Raito couldn't help if Tom Nook was a badly animated cat too… Raito shuddered.

"That sounds wonderful…." Raito wasn't sure if it was wonderful or not. In fact, working for Tom Nook sounded worse than going to Mu or being trapped with this damn cat.

"I'll go talk to him now okay!" The cat finally hopped out of his seat and waddled down the aisle to the telephone at the end of the compartment.

Raito took the moment of peace and silence to review his situation. He was dead; that was a given. Matsuda had shot him three times, the loss of blood would have been enough to cripple, if not kill him. Then Ryuk had written his name down… that had definitely killed him.

After that… he was sitting in the train talking to the cat about buying a house in a place he had never heard of.

If this was Hell then God certainly had a sense of humor. Raito had always envisioned Hell as being a non-existent fiery pit, but now… it was worse than he could have ever imagined.

So that meant he was in Hell, or… no there was no deciding about it. He _was _in Hell. Which meant that he had been wrong. Somebody up there had to mastermind this place. That meant that being an atheist had been pointless, because somebody up there must have had one huge grudge against him.

"Impossible! I can't be wrong! I've never been wrong in my life! No, no, NO!" Raito couldn't take it. The bullets, the heart attack, the cat, and now the final blow; his failure to be correct.

Just at this moment of painful enlightenment the cat made his way and waddled back to sit across from Raito.

"He says he can get you a job and a house! Aren't you lucky! Hey what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

(Away From You)

As soon as Raito stepped off the train he was aware of the sunshine-happy-magical feel of the place. The grass was bright fluorescent green and the sky sunshine blue. In front of him loomed a brick building with a sign stating 'Town Hall' on it. Next door was the post office.

Raito suddenly missed his old home very, very much. It hadn't been that bad, after all; sure, there had been a few kinks here and there, but… it was much better than this place.

"Disgusting…" he muttered to himself.

Then out of the corner of his eyes, he caught movement of what appeared to be some pudgy raccoon. Why was everyone here a fat animal?

"You must be Raito. I was afraid I'd miss you! I'm Tom Nook; I run the world famous store Nook'n'Go. You get it? It's a pun!" The raccoon talked just as fast and as much as the cat, except this creature had a haughty air about him that made him seem like an arrogant bastard.

"Never heard of it." Raito didn't feel like making this raccoon/demon feel any better. Because as of right now Raito felt like murdering him. The raccoon gave an indignant cry then dusted himself off muttering about kids today.

"I'm twenty three you ass hole! Why does everyone think I'm a teenager?!" The raccoon didn't answer him and continued to blather on and on about how rude kids were.

"Can you just show me to my house already?! I do have better things to do you know!"

"Of course here is a map and you can meet me at your house." The raccoon gave a hearty chuckle then waddled off in a completely different direction.

"What the hell is wrong with this place?!" Raito was already sick of this place and it's ridiculously energetic inhabitants. Maybe if he found his house he'd be able to have some peace and quiet.

Raito inspected the map given to him and quickly found the group of homes where his own would be. Perhaps this wouldn't be so bad after all, he'd never really lived on his own before. He'd always lived with someone else but now maybe he'd finally have a space to call his own.

No Misa, no Ryuk, no L… He could get used to this.

(Poor Raito)

Raito gaped at the broken down shack he would have to call home. The roof was a disgusting bright orange, the lawn was covered with weeds, and inside the floor boards had been made of what looked like the stone floor from his confinement. And if that wasn't enough it turned out that he had no money at all! It appeared that raccoons had no idea what Yen were.

"What the hell are bells any way?! Is that a considered a currency?! Why can't you take my money?!" Raito was very, very, pissed.

The raccoon shrugged off his questions and simply laughed saying he'd have to work it off in his shop. So it appeared that Raito would not only live in a prison he'd work in one too.

"Damn! And here I thought I was getting off easy!" Raito sighed and held his head in his hands. The raccoon gave another annoying laughter fest and turned.

"You'll start right away, be sure to be on time for your new job!" Just as Raito decided to cuss the raccoon out he ran away towards the north side of town.

"Oh that's right just run away! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I am a _god_! A _GOD_! Do you comprehend what that means you chibi bastard raccoon?! Are you intelligent enough to know what happens to those who offend me?! I am going to kill you! I will use your guts to feed my pet snake, and I don't even have a pet snake! That's how much I hate you!" Raito screamed after the raccoon who he couldn't even see anymore. This place sucked so much.

"Is Raito-kun talking about the raccoon or me? Because if he is referring to me I have to tell him that I am not a chibi bastard or a raccoon for that matter."

Raito froze. No, oh dear god no. NO! It couldn't be.

Raito turned towards the familiar voice to see what looked like a shorter version of the insomniac detective. (who _should_ have been dead) The detective was wearing a white t-shirt and a pair of blue shorts, his messy black hair poked out from under what looked like a hat with bull horns. Raito had no choice but to assume it was the very same L that he had killed, just slightly… shrunken.

"What the hell happened to you?!" asked Raito.

"Heart attack." L looked almost bored with this information, "You?"

"Heart attack and three bullets." Raito was still in shock at seeing a familiar (well not familiar) face in this nightmarish place.

"Who shot you? Was it Mello?" L placed a thumb on his lips and surveyed Raito. Raito had to take a step back being completely freaked out by the once greatest detective in the world.

"No." Unfortunately it hadn't been Mello.

"It can't have been Near." L was right there, Near would have ended up shooting himself it he tried handling a gun.

"No it wasn't him either."

"Then who shot you?" L seemed confusesd, after all who else would have shot him.

"… Matsuda…" An awkward silence unfolded between the two of them. L started to break into hysterics at the thought of Matsuda shooting Raito's brains out.

"This isn't funny L!" Raito watched with a scowl as L fell to the ground in laughter.

"No? But Raito-kun, Matsuda! Matsuda! It is hilarious Raito-kun, the great Raito Yagami shot down by Matsuda! Matsuda who can't even make coffee!" L burst into another fit of laughter, Raito gritted his teeth.

"He had a gun! I had no idea that it was loaded! I didn't think anyone was stupid enough to give him bullets!"

"He still shot you!"

"Shut up!" screamed a now indignant Raito. L meanwhile got stifled his laughter in order to re-create his zombie stare.

"Raito-kun, you just made the after life a hell of a lot better. Matsuda…" L choked down his laughter while Raito tried to mend his wounded pride. More like a maimed pride after that comment though.

"If you will excuse me L I do have a job to do, I work at Nook'n Go." Raito didn't consider this the greatest of tasks but anything was better than talking to L.

"Oh don't worry, Raito-kun can be as late as he desires and still maintain the job. Besides it's not much of a task. You plant flowers, deliver clothes, write a letter, post a message, and that's about it. Raito-kun could better spend his time cleaning up his new house."

"Wait that's it?" Raito tried to compute those words. Flower planting… Oh dear god who invented this place?!

"Yup."

"That's all I have to do?"

"Yup."

Raito blinked once.

"Well damn, why should I even bother showing up?" asked Raito trying to picture himself planting flowers.

"What else does Raito-kun think he'll be doing?" L opened the door to another house similar to Raito's except instead of a red roof this one had a blue roof.

"Raito-kun should go to his job, considering the fact that he will most likely go insane without anything to do. I'll be fishing if he needs me." L slammed the door before Raito could ask anything.

(Raito's job)

Raito stared at the work uniform in disgust. It, like everything else, looked ridiculously cheerful and happy. It made Raito cringe just looking at it let alone wearing it.

"Do I have to wear this?" asked Raito. For some reason this sent the raccoon into a fit of hysterics.

"Of course you have to wear it! I can't have my employees looking like they were shot to death, now go put it on before you come back."

The said work uniform was a bizarre mint green color that no man in his right mind would wear. And Raito was still in his right mind.

"But it's so… vibrant."

"You can't start your new job until you put on the uniform."

"I think I'm going blind! My eyes! They burn!"

"JUST PUT ON THE UNIFORM!!"

Raito hurried out of the shop before his 'employer' could reprimand him further. It appeared he had two choices, a) screw the job and go home and sit in his house, or, b) put on the uniform and subject himself to the mercy of a fat raccoon whose purpose in life seemed to be to torment Raito. Option a was looking very pleasant right now.

"Screw the job I'll come back later." Raito dropped the uniform on the ground and walked down towards where his house was. He didn't know the exact coordinates but according to his map (which incidently looked as if it had been drawn by a five year old) his and L's house was located in the South East corner of the town. It also appeared that there were plenty of neighbors who had ridiculously peppy names like Mitzi.

So intent was he to get back home that Raito practically ran over L. L was sitting by the river with a fishing pole in hand, staring down at the water with a blank expression. Raito assumed it was boredom.

"Has Raito-kun completed his job already?" asked the deceased detective. Raito measured his chances of escape from this conversation as minimal. He'd have to chance talking to him.

"… Kind of." Raito sat down.

"You skipped out, didn't you?" It was a statement not a question.

"He wanted me to wear a mint green apron that screamed 'I love Gymboree' in every direction. What would you have done L?" L looked up at Raito, then back to the water.

"The faster you do the job the sooner you can pay off your debt. Then you can entertain yourself in whatever way you desire." L stared down at the blue water with quiet disdain. Meanwhile Raito became all the more enraged at his friend/enemy/comrade/associate/whatever the hell he was.

"What will I possibly do when I get out of debt L?"

Silence.

"Fish?"

Light sighed, he'd rather work for the cheap bastard raccoon than talk about fishing with L.

"See you later Ryuzaki, I'm going to work."

(I'm running out of sequence titles)

"Oh good, you actually manage to show up to work. How does putting on clothes take so damn long? My last employee took forever too. Ah well, now that you're looking professional you can get to work. Go out and make my shop look decent, plant some flowers, trees, be creative. I'd do it myself but well I'm too damn important." The raccoon employer laughed too himself as he shoved various flower sacks and trees in Raito's face.

"Right. Fine. No problem." Raito breathed out as he curbed the impulse to murder the raccoon. It would get him nowhere.

Stepping outside he simply planted all the flowers and trees in a row going back into the shack as soon as he was finished.

"Good you done? Now go and write an advertisement for me. Say something original, something brilliant. Now go and do my work for me you worthless maggot!"

Swallowing his pride he stepped out once more and asked himself once more how long this could last.

The answer came two days later after posting an advertisement, writing a letter, delivering packages, and making the cheap raccoon coffee.

"Have you done you delivered all those packages?" asked the employer drinking down the last of his coffee.

"Unfortunately." Raito glowered; this had to be the longest twenty four hours of his life. Maybe this was why he never got a summer job.

"Hmmmmm, I can't think of anything else for you to do. You're done! You can go live in the world now! Make friends, meet neighbors, have fun! The world is playground now! Now get out of my shop before you scare off my costumers!"

Raito was already out the door.

(What the hell is he going to do with his time now?)

Raito stared at the stream water glumly, what the hell was this place. Why was he trapped here. Why wasn't there anything entertaining to do?!

He'd tried talking to the badly animated animals but only received a head ache after realizing they could only answer certain questions, and after a little bit the cat that reminded him curiously of Misa started calling him darling. That's right darling.

"Dammit I have to get out of here!" screamed Raito before glaring down at the stream again. The obvious way was to board the train but if that didn't work he'd have no idea how to get back here again. And what if the other place was even worse? What if the animals could actually talk?!

"No, I am Kira! I am a god! I will escape from this place because I'm just sexy like that!"

**Will Raito ever escape from animal crossing?**

**Will L catch the fish that will finally make him rich?**

**Will Nook's store ever get any less tacky? **

**Stay tuned and find out in Animal Crossing Part II: Escape from Animal Crossing**

**Author's note: Heh heh, the chapter was going to be too long if I didn't split it off into two parts. Sorry guys, looks like you'll have to read my next chapter. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. (cough) **

**Right. **

**Remember that if you review all your wishes will come true…. Maybe…. If I feel like it…. I'm a lazy wish granter…. **

**REVIEW!**

any of you who have played this game have to agree with me on this point


	11. Light's trial

**Author's note: I forget how many I've done . Ugh, so this is what ever chapter it is woot! Right… I've officially done enough 'What ifs' for a clip show! Ha! Don't worry; I'm not that evil. Thanks to my Beta, who is incredibly busy as always, but still has time enough to edit my horrid spelling —it just takes about a month to do. -_-… **

**This scenario will actually have Takada, Mikami, Matt, and Mello. Hooray. **

**Warning: Spoilers, I have more spoilers. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note! Neither does anyone else I know. **

**What if…**

**Raito got a trial (Is it just me or are all my chapters centering on Raito?) **

Raito was dead. Well, that much was obvious, but he wasn't sure if he was in heaven or Hell. Could be either, really; Raito wasn't fond of lawyer,s but maybe a courthouse was the way to go. Right….

"The Court of Justice is now in session! We are here for the case of Raito Yagami vs. Pissed Off Human Rights Activists."

Oh, so that's what this was about. The whole Kira thing—bloody hippies bent on ruining his after life. "Excuse me, but…"

The judge glared down at him. "There will be no interruptions in the Court of Justice!" The judge threw the gavel at Raito's head, but he ducked just in time.

"You missed!"

A text book flew at Raito's head. "Silence in the courthouse!"

Right, no interrupting the judge. Got it. Raito tapped his fingers on the desk. He was on the defendant's side of the court; on the opposite end sat a man in his forties with a growing bald patch, but a long pony tail in the back. The lawyer on that side also had the hippie look to him but, Raito's lawyer didn't seem to be present.

"The first witness will be Kiyomi Takada." Oh crap. Not good; Raito had conveniently killed her off in a truck explosion.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" asked the bailiff.

Takada looked dazed and slightly burnt. "Yeah, totally."

Raito groaned. Where the Hell was his lawyer?!

"Is it true that you worked under the original Kira, otherwise known as Raito Yagami?" asked the hippie attorney.

"Well, duh." Takada pulled out a mirror and attempted to apply lipstick onto her burnt face; it didn't work out particularly well.

"Why?"

Was this lawyer stupid or something? What was his problem?!

"Cuz he's hot."

Raito hit his head against the desk.

"Care to elaborate?" said the attorney, ignoring Raito's cursing.

"He was, like, totally sexy in high school, and I was, like, totally going to become his girl friend, but then, like, he disappeared and I was, like, all bummer. But then he, like, showed up in a hotel room and he looked even more sexy than last time and I was, like, all "no way" and he was like "all way"…."

"I did not say that!" screamed Raito.

"Silence in the court!"

Takada stopped talking, then began her narrative again. "And, like, anyways, he was all like "want to change the world with me," and I was like "totally man" and he was like all "sweet."" Takada sighed dreamily.

"How did you feel when Raito killed you?"

Takada gasped. "Raito killed me? No way!"

"Way."

"Well, I guess I was, like, all "die Mello and stay away from my hot boy friend" and he was, like, all "shut up and undress for me" and I was like, "you perv!" But he was like "shut up and undress, damn it!" and I was like "fine, but give me a blanket" and he was, like, "whatever slut" and I was like "Raito's gonna kiss me for sure after this." But then, like, I killed him and he was all, like, crashed in a church and then, like, I called Raito but he was, like, all depressed, you know? So I was, like, depressed and I got like some gasoline and burnt everything and I was, like, all "sweet man"…"

The hippie lawyer stopped Takada before she could finish. Raito was banging his head against the desk; he didn't want to know what went on in these peoples' brains.

"So if Raito hadn't been Kira, would you still have liked him?"

What did that question have to do with the case?!

"I dunno…. The Kira-ness added to Raito's sexiness, and I was like "OMG Raito's like a depressed murderer who kills off criminals!" and he, like, had this weird I-am-depressed-and-emotionless stance on everything, but he, like, still cared for me, you know? Like I know you know. And then the guy has, like, the greatest taste in shoes—ZOMG, his shoes are so, like, adorable and I, like, wanted those shoes and he was like "Misa gave them to me" and I was like, "you still go out with that skank?" and he was like "duh." And I was like "why, man?" and he was like "because she's ruining my life" and I was like "that sucks" and he was like "I know"…."

The hippie attorney stopped her with another question.

"Did you go to To-oh University?"

Was this some high school renunion?! Raito tried to shut out the annoying hippie and previous girl-friend/bondage slave.

"No, I just went because I saw, like, Raito there and I was like "I'm totally going to pretend to go there but secretly steal his cash. Score.""

Wow. Raito really enjoyed hearing this.

"Thank you, Kiyomi-san. You may now have a seat."

Takada got up and bounded out of the stand.

"OMG, Raito, what are you doing here? You look so hot and OMG Raito, by the way, I totally forgive you for burning me alive, you know."

Takada was dragged out of the court room before Raito could burn her again.

Raito sighed, thanking God she was gone. "Uh, judge? Where is my attorney?"

The judge blinked. "Silence in the—"

Raito cut him off. "Yes, I know, but don't I get a lawyer?"

The judge threw another book at him and Raito dodged it skillfully. "Hell, no. What do you think this is? Some hippie place where everyone gets a say? No! This is the Court of Justice you don't get a lawyer!"

Damn, looks like he was on his own.

"Now, we will have the next witness come in—Teru Mikami!"

"Oh, crap. Listen, Judge… how 'bout we just skip Mikami and get on with the other people?"

"Silence in the courthouse!"

Raito did his typical random freak out, then burst out into maniacal laughter.

"Teru Mikami, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"Sakujo!" (The following portion of the trial will be subtitled because of Mikami's painfully limited vocabulary… stabbing himself to death with a pen didn't help). The attorney nodded.

"Did you work under the original Kira, Raito Yagami?"

Mikami nodded gleefully. "Kami-san! Mikami sakujo!" _Translation: "Of course I love Raito Yagami. I would kill for RaitoYagami." _

"Is it true that Raito Yagami lied to you, used you, and pretended to be a god in your presence?"

Mikami slammed his fists on the table. "Sakujo sakujo sakujo?! Kami-san sakujo! Kami-san!!! Kami-san!!!" _Translation: "What the hell are you talking about?! Raito didn't pretend to be a god; he is a god. Everyone knows gods can't lie or use people, foo." _

Raito blinked—he didn't remember Mikami sounding like an insane person. Sharpies are not good for your health.

"Do you love Raito?"

Raito stood up. "What does that have to do with anything?!" The judge hit Raito with yet another text book. _'Where does he keep getting these textbooks?' _

"Mikami sakujo sakujo. Sakujo sakujo kami-san sakujo." _Translation: "I love him! I love Kira so much! Even more than Takada; way more than Takada. I would be glad to be a bondage slave for Raito!" _

Raito was ready to tear out his hair; this was a nightmare and he wasn't waking up.

"Were you surprised when Raito betrayed you?"

Mikami blinked. "Kami-san sakujo?" _Translation: "What sorry fanfic have you been reading? Seriously, Raito never betrayed m; he loves me. I know it even though he practically gave me a death threat in every conversation we had. I know he loves me. He just won't admit it." _

"Right, one last question. Where did you get your shoes?"

Mikami gave the man a cheerful grin. "Sakujo, sakujo, sakujo, sakujo, sakujo! Sakujo Kami-san sakujo sakujo sakujo. Sakujo sakujo. Sakujo! Kami-san sakujo!" _Translation: "Well, I saw Raito wearing these shoes and they were so adorable that I just had to get them—maybe if I wore them, Raito would love me. But Raito got them from that skank of a girl-friend Misa Amane. I would make so much of a better girl-friend/bondage slave! I was practically born for it!" _

"For the last time, Misa did not buy me these freaking shoes! I bought the freaking shoes! Misa does not buy me clothes!" screamed Raito at the insane Kira.

The hippie adjusted his pony tail and began to talk with his eyes closed. "Okay more questions. First, are you single?"

Mikami nodded.

"Second question: are you gay?"

Raito burst out cussing and swearing. "Okay, who hired the (bleep)ing moron?! Who the (bleep) is (bleep)ing responsible you (bleep)ing (bleep)!"

After five minutes, Mikami was dragged out of the court house successfully with several shouts of praise to his god.

"The next witness will be L Lawliet."

L hunched his way over to the podium. Of all the departed, he was the one who hadn't changed; Mikami had a weird pen ink stain on his shirt and Raito had bullet holes and blood.

"Oh, (bleep)!" swore Raito, cursing his bad luck. L looked over at him and winked. Triple (bleep).

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?"

"Of course."

"Judge, this is inappropriate and unacceptable. I will not have my best friend narking me out for no reason!"

"Silence in the court house!"

The hippie attorney cleared his throat and went on to interrogate L. "Was Raito your best friend?"

"Yes."

"Your partner?"

"Yes."

"Like your life partner?"

"Hell no," said Raito and L at the same time. Raito's was followed by screaming and a few nasty words that the authoress refuses to use in order to keep this T.

"If you were gay, would you sleep with Raito?"

Who was this freak?! Some transvestite fangirl gone hippie?!

"I'm not gay."

Thank god L was defending their honor.

"But if you _were_ gay, would you?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because Raito-kun would beat me with a stick if I even mentioned that I wanted to sleep with him."

'_That's right foo! Wait what?!' _Did L imply in there somewhere that he might be gay? Beating with a stick was an understatement to what Raito was going to do to him now!

"I think you should sleep with Raito."

What?!

"I thought this was a trial, not Dr. Phil."

"Alright, it's time to die, hippie! I am not sleeping with my best friend/rival/weird emo guy! I hate you all! Damn you!" Raito threw one of the multiple textbooks stacked around him at the hippie attorney. Unlike the judge, Raito actually had some decent aim and hit the guy's head. It knocked him out cold. _'Take that, treehugger!' _

"I want a new attorney; can I have a new attorney?" asked L. No one seemed to notice him, so he left the podium in search of cake.

"Finally! He's gone! Yes!"

The judge rolled his eyes.

"The next witness is that weird blonde transvestite… er… "what's his face." But first, we're going to take a break."

(Break)

Raito hunched over in his desk as the various jury members and chatted about the weather and other unrelated topics. Then he looked up and noticed the dead detective looking curiously at him with the black eyes.

"Can I help you?" asked Raito.

L shifted, scratching his feet idly and staring at the wall. "I like Raito-kun's shoes; they're adorable. May I ask where he purchased them?" L looked back over to Light, only to be hit in the face with a fist.

"Damn it, Ryuuzaki, don't bring up my shoes at a time like this. Besides—they aren't adorable; they're just smexy." Raito was proud of his shoes, even if everyone else thought Misa had bought them.

"No, the shoes are adorable. Raito-kun is the one who is smexy." L put a finger in his lips, analyzing the dead murderer with black eyes.

"For the last time, they are NOT adora… Wait, did you just say I was smexy?" Raito looked shocked at the words, even horrified. Everyone knew they were true, but still, why did L have to be the one to say them?!

"Yes, I believe I just called Raito-kun smexy; does he have a problem with that?" L was hurt—his best friend had just denied giving him fan service.

"Does the term "get away you perverted bastard" have any meaning to you?" Raito blinked slowly and looked at L with the super-glare-of-instant-doom-and-malice.

"No," pouted L at the twenty-three-year-old.

"How about "I will kill you if you molest me you dirty hentai?"" Raito's glare didn't falter as he looked L in the eyes.

"Nope. Doesn't mean a thing." L brought a cookie to his mouth and began to eat it.

"Moving on… what brings you to my trial, Ryuzaki?" Raito buried his head in his hands; this trial was an embarrassment.

"Cake," stated the detective.

"Cake?" asked Raito, not really sure if he wanted to know.

"They served chocolate cake in the lobby; I assume it was so I could show up and damn you to hell, but really, it was some very good cake."

"Are you going to damn me to hell, Ryuzaki?"

"Just the right amount of frosting and whip cream. These people sure know how to make cake. It was so delicious; you should have been there, Raito-kun. I haven't had cake that good in ages—possibly since the day I died. That was some pretty nice cake, too; did I have cake that day? I honestly can't remember… Possibly…." L mused about the cake for a while longer, but Raito wasn't listening.

There were times when he remembered exactly why he had killed L, and he didn't regret the action for a moment.

Raito decided to change the topic, "How have you been for the past four years or so? Since, well, you know…."

L stared at him for a moment; he put his thumb to his lips and bit down. Raito tried not to think of where that thumb had been.

"I've missed you, Raito-kun," stated L.

Raito blinked. That was a first. People had said "I love you, Raito" or "I hate you, Raito," but never just a plain "I missed you."

"Even though Raito-kun not only killed me, but thousands of others, I have missed his sardonic comments and petty attempts to kill me. In fact, I believe that without you, Raito-kun, I would be at a loss. No one else can fill the void of the person who amuses me." L fell silent for a moment.

"I'll take that as a compliment. To be honest, I missed you too; your successors were a waste of my time. They even gave me this little speech about how I'm a heartless murderer who is beneath them. Heart warming to you, but for me… torturous."

"Shocking."

"I know! And Near was never as good as you were. He even sat wrong; what a little prick. You were always the best rival, Ryuuzaki; certainly the best L—besides me, of course." Light stopped his rant when L turned away from him. "Where are you going? Didn't you enjoy my compassionate speech on how I missed you?" Raito was offeneded. Here he had just opened his heart to a man he despised and he had just turned his back on him! The nerve!

"Honestly, that was the worst speech I have ever heard. I'm still suffering from it. Dear God, where did you learn to spew that crap? What happened to you, Raito-kun?!"

"Four years of being trapped in an apartment with Misa happened."

"I see."

An uncomfortable silence grew between them.

"Let's go get some cake, Raito-kun. I'm sure you haven't had it in a while, either. It'll be good for your mentality, and it could stop Misa-chan's poison from spreading to your mind. I'd try to stop it from reaching your heart, but you don't have one." L grabbed Raito's hand and dragged him towards the lobby and chocolate cake.

"I'd say that's untrue since I died of a heart attack," countered Raito; he was still irritated at L for the speech comment.

"I don't care."

(The trial part II)

Raito sat alone at the wooden desk, staring blankly at the judge. He resisted the urge to turn and glare at L. He'd done that enough for one day. L and his goddamn chocolate cake.

Most days, Raito just wanted to shoot himself; today was no exception.

"So, Mello, you were killed by Takada?" asked the new attorney. Frankly, Raito thought he looked a hell of a lot like the old one… but he didn't bring it up.

"Hell if I know!" screamed the blonde boy.

Raito had never actually seen Mello before, so he was a little disappointed when he saw him for the first time. All the fuss seemed to be about a blonde girl who was a little too fond of cross dressing. L really did a great job picking his successors if that was the best he could do. Their hair cuts were atrocious.

"Yes?..."

"I don't know! Don't you get it?! One moment, I was alive—the next thing I knew I blacked out and was here! Who cares what happened?! It's all that bastard's fault!" Mello pointed straight at Raito, his gloved hand shaking slightly. "Why is he even here? He should be dead!"

"He is dead."

"What?" Mello looked around, confused, then he placed a hand to his still bleeding forehead. "How is he here if he's dead?"

Raito suppressed the urge to roll his eyes; L must have been dying of embarrassment in the pews. The boy didn't know that he was dead.

"You're dead, too."

Mello blinked and shook his head. "No, I'm not." His blonde hair flew from left to right and back again.

"Yes, I'm afraid you are."

"No, I'm just in some sort of a coma! Next thing I know, I'll wake up in a hospital and there'll be a hell of a lot of chocolate, bitch! I have not been whacked by the Kiramister! There is no chance in hell that the wanksta could get rid of me!" If L had been dying of embarrassment before now, he must have been rolling in his grave. Raito turned his head to stare at him; it seemed L looked about ready to shoot himself.

"I think he did. Now, anyways… what exactly did Light Yagami do to you?" asked the lawyer.

"Who?" Mello blinked.

"Kira."

"I am not dead! I refuse to accept that I am dead!" screamed the blonde successor.

"Hey, at least your death was easy! I had a freaking heart attack and was shot to death! You just crashed into a church, you asshole!" Raito tried to determine how horrified L was; he looked even worse than he had when he had died. Hmmmmm. Interesting.

"Silence in the court room!"

"Your honor," said L, rising to his feet, "I'd like to say something in Raito's defense."

Raito blinked. Had he heard that correctly? Was, was he going to live? Well, not live, but still… was this even possible?!

"You see, Raito-kun is incredibly sexy, and on behalf of the L/Light online community, it would, frankly be really hard to do a fic when the second member is in Hell."

And bang went Raito's nice thoughts about L. The bastard. Wait a minute…. L… L never read any L/Light fics; how did he know what they entailed…?

"HE'S A FAKE!"

Insert audience gasp. L's mouth fell open and he jumped out of the pews, running full speed for the exit, before he was stopped by the rather large bailiff.

"Stop right there!" The big man held L down as Raito rushed over to the captive detective.

"Now let's see who's really behind the mask!" yelled Raito who then grabbed a fistful of L's hair and pulled.

The rubber mask fell off and underneath it was……

(The authoress has an important announcement)

Okay, here's how this goes. I'm feeling generous today, so instead of the normal ending where nobody is satisfied, I'll make sure this is a happy ending.

I can do that. Because I'm just cool that way.

(Back to the ending)

B!

The clone of L glared at Light underneath a pair of red eyes as he clenched his fist in rage.

"I've caught you, B! Everyone knows you're secretly an L/Light fan and want us to do nothing but have sex!"

"And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!" shouted the murderer as he was dragged from the room.

"Now, Raito Yagami, for ridding us of this horrible plot twist you will be sent…"

Raito closed his eyes in anticipation. This was the moment he'd been waiting for! He was going to be rewarded for all his effort.

"To Hell!"

"What?" screamed Raito.

But it was too late as he felt his legs pulled down by spindly little hands into the eternal hot tub full of spontaneous combustion.

**Author's note: Hey, no one said it had to be YOUR definition of a happy ending. Heh heh. Sorry about the B insert, I have no idea if he reads L/Light fan fiction it's just a way to include him in this story. If you are offended by it then take it up in the reviews. **

**Here is another poem to pass the time: **

**There you sit**

**In your chair**

**Your sides about to split**

**As you are being mauled by a bear**

**You want the pain to stop**

**You turn in desperation to this page**

**All you need is to type on your laptop**

**It doesn't take a mage**

**One review is all it takes**

**So remember not to think this is a fake**

…**..**

**I apologize for my gory poetry, I am not a poet. Surely you have realized this. **


End file.
